Episode 35: The Mental Side of Bariatric Life: Comparison, Shame & Support Fatigue

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Hey, Steph. Hello, Hannah. Welcome back to another

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episode of Bariatric Banter Podcast. I love it.

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We are back with episode 35? 35. 35. Can't believe

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we're almost at 40. I know. Like the fact that,

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boy, it's almost October, almost the end of our

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first year ever of doing this podcast. This is...

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This is pure craziness. I did not foresee this.

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It's good, but I did not foresee this. No. Well,

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same boat. I did not foresee this being what

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it would be. And I don't know. I kind of love

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everything we've been able to talk about. And

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honestly, we had a moment where we thought, we

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don't have enough to talk about. And then I realized

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bariatric surgery makes your life different every

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fucking day. And there's so much to talk about.

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Yeah. Well, yeah, we had we had a little panic

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of, oh, my God, there's gonna be nothing to do.

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Our podcast is going to be over. What's going

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to happen? But like it impacts so many different

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parts of your life and like things just randomly

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pop up in your day that's new or different. So

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even if it's not like super bariatric surgery

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related, we're going to have lots to talk about.

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We'll have lots to talk about. Yeah, we have

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some good topics coming up. We have. Yeah. Maybe

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we'll bring Cass back on again to do some more

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stuff with us, which would be awesome. But today

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we're going to talk about, it's a good one. But

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today I wanted to talk about something that I

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think comes up a lot and that's the mental side

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of bariatric life. Specifically like dealing

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with comparison, which I think has become a huge

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problem for me. shame and support especially

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pre -surgery and then support fatigue this is

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a huge this is starting yeah and I'm like in

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the full throes of that right now and it kind

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of fucking sucks like and it's something I didn't

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like don't want to admit that you're dealing

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with because it kind of makes you feel like a

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jerk on the inside um like you're I notice Yeah,

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I noticed recently that this one is creeping

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in. And it's funny because it wasn't until like

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we were talking about what we're going to talk

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about today. And I read that and I was like,

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oh, shit, that's what it is. But a hundred percent,

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I'm starting to feel that. And now I'm like ashamed

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that I'm feeling it. Yeah, and I didn't know

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what it was either. So for those listening, support

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fatigue is when loved ones stop cheering and

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life basically goes back to normal. Because in

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your first year of bariatric surgery, holy crap,

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everybody and their mom wants to ask you questions

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and talk about it, celebrate your weight loss.

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And honestly, it kind of feels like it's all

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about you for the first year. And you have major

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milestones because that is that's the year of

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the biggest change. The biggest change happens

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in your first year. You've gone from traditionally

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fat and obese to, oh, my God, I just lost 20

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pounds. Now it's 40. Holy shit. We're at 80.

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Like you get to document your. biggest weight

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loss milestones in your first year you're shedding

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dress sizes like you're going from a 24 to a

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to a 15 to a 16 to a 12 like and you've got all

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these new monumental people are seeing you move

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your body they're seeing your exercise they're

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seeing you eat different there's so many changes

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that happen so fast especially when you don't

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see people for a long time And that's what I

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loved, like living outside of my main family

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group now, because I'm like an hour and a half,

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two hours away, going back to a cultural event

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or a family event where I haven't seen people

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in a long time and just standing there and waiting

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for the reaction. Like, and it's funny because

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I was never. Yeah. And if you, it, it changes.

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Like, even if you were an introvert, you weren't

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somebody who liked attention. You weren't somebody

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who wanted to be the center of attention. It

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becomes almost addictive. And it becomes like

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you live for it. And you love that moment when

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somebody looks across the room at you and is

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like, oh my gosh. And you're like, yeah, yeah,

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I do. Yeah, I look good. And it's not like in

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an ego way, but also fuck it. Yes, it is. Because

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you've never had that attention before. And it's

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fucking nice attention. But you get so used to

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it. And okay, we've given up eating like crap.

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to fuel our emotions, right? This is that kind

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of filler. You know, they always say, watch out

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for transfer addiction, the gym, shopping. I

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definitely fell into shopping. This kind of becomes

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that because it's almost like a reward for your

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hard work where you've become accustomed to like

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people going, holy shit, I think you've lost

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more weight. I didn't recognize you. You look

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so good in that. And then it's also little things

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like, what size am I going to be at the store

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today? I don't know. Like you get used to this.

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and then support 15 hits and it has hit hard

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for me this year and it will hit after your first

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year there comes a moment where people don't

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comment on it anymore because you're no longer

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going from a 24 to a 12 you maybe have gone from

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a 12 to a 10 or in my case isn't that isn't super

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noticeable noticeable and people have seen like

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the other thing is going from a 10 to an 8 wasn't

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rapid either for me. It was like, uh, Hey guys,

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I'm now a size eight. Okay. Okay. Big deal. I

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did it over six to eight months, you know, like

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I did it in my second year. Um, and that no longer

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like you just, the shock value is gone. It's

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the shock value, right? Like, like you said,

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when you're used to being 300 plus pounds and

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then you see somebody and you're 200 pounds.

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Yeah. That's a massive difference. That is a

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shock. Yeah. And no, like I, I hate to admit

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this and I'm sure there's people from work who

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are going to listen to this because we've talked

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about my podcast at work, but I have work travel

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coming up and I work remote. I haven't made it

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into our last team QBRs for a while because of

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weather or kids or whatever. So there's certain

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people on my team who I haven't seen since surgery.

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And so I was like, oh, I'm going to travel. But

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then I was thinking, I'm like, oh, this person

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who I know really well won't be there. Crap.

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I wanted them to see me. Oh, this person won't

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be there. Oh, I wanted them to see me. And then

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I'm standing there being like, you, like, don't

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be a jerk. Like, get off your high horse. Don't

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be so conceited. And then you feel bad for feeling

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that way. But then you're like, no, like, I'm

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excited to share. my progress, the new me. Like

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I've talked to these people about, so it's this

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fine line of feeling like a jackass for wanting

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to show yourself off. But then also being like,

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no, I should own it. Look what I've done. I'm

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proud. It's very weird. It's very weird. The

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work thing is really interesting because obviously

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like I've had, I'm two and a half years post

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-op, getting closer to it. my three -year mark

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in March of next year and I've obviously changed

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jobs I also work from home but I've changed jobs

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and that I think to me also kind of sucks because

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I had surgery I literally left a long -standing

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job before having my bariatric surgery and they

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were like are you sure and I was like oh yeah

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I want a new job I don't want to work here and

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they blah blah so I've joined companies that

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have only ever known me at this size right so

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it's that kind of sucks too because I never got

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to have that like in office moment of people

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seeing obese Hannah and now seeing thin Hannah

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like I only forgot that with friends and family

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but I kind of missed that aspect so I find that

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I make this too much my personality now though

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so we did like a five things about us this past

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month when we all met in the office for the first

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time and like I've met my my colleagues but it

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was the whole team so like my junior employees

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their junior employees everybody came in five

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things about us and everybody did really cool

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things like getting married or being into crochet

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or one girl was really into pottery and other

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stuff and of course the number one thing I led

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with was 315 pounds look how fat I used to be

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now look at me now because and I'm not doing

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it in a weird way like I should be proud of the

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hard work I put in But I know that I did it in

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a way that I was like, I need people to be like,

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you look great. And it's like, okay, I still

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look great because I'm immensely struggling with

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how I look right now because I'm not in rapid

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weight loss anymore. I'm in normal mode right

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now. There's been a bit of redrawing and we'll

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talk about that in a later episode. And it just

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kind of feels like I'm no longer special. I'm

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no longer. impressive and it has really taken

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the steam out of like dating so a lot of my friends

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are like are you dating why aren't you dating

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like get on the dating apps I thought that was

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a big thing for you and I was like uh -huh yeah

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I don't want to and they were like why not like

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you have so much going on for you like you're

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you exercise you have a dog you're a runner blah

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blah blah and I was like because I no longer

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feel thin enough I no longer feel good looking

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enough like I don't feel like I've lost enough

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weight I have completely reverted back to I'm

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too fat I I tell myself this all the time like

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I am too fat I need to lose way more weight I

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am not thin and people are going to look at me

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and think she's overweight she's because technically

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according to BMI oh my god I'm still overweight

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on my BMI too I'm overweight on BMI and it's

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like I had a pulmonary function test done for

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like post -pneumonia stuff. Side note, came out

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fine. Totally fine. Lungs are great. And on it,

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they said her BMI, though, means she's overweight.

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Maybe that's why she has breathing issues. And

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I was like, you mother fucker. I could have ripped

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her throat out when I read that report. BMI is

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close. I was so excited because I. I went, I

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like, I remember I posted when I was, when I

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bought my size 12 jeans and I was like through

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the roof. Did my BMI then and I'm ever still

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overweight. And I was like, yeah, whatever, screw

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that. Then the other day I went down to a size

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10 and I was like, sweet Jesus, size 10. Never

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thought this would happen. Go to the BMI just

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because why not? Oh, don't do it. And I was like,

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are you, come on, really? Like I'm in a size

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10 pant, a medium shirt. You're telling, screw

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off. I wear a size 8 and a size small top. Small,

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medium, because some of the smalls run small.

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Yeah, medium, large. And I'm overweight. And

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I was literally obese until this year, according

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to BMI. I just moved into overweight. Excuse

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me. I'm 5 '10". I'm 5 '10". Right now, I think

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I'm sitting at like 182 pounds. I'm 5 '10". I'm

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wearing a size 10. really like what you know

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that's like i wonder why people have problems

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with like body image and okay well this brings

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up a great thing about comparison too because

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okay and i'm gonna be honest because i think

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we should be honest on the podcast yes i had

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a thought the other day when you were sharing

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your awesome story about buying jeans and being

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a size 10 remember we had that voice chat about

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how you had to go back because we were like they

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don't fit yeah i hate to admit but there was

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a moment where i went she's gonna lose more weight

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than me and be smaller than me oh my gosh all

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the time horrible like it made me feel first

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of all i felt horrible because i was like that

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is my friend and what the fuck are you doing

00:11:59.500 --> 00:12:01.899
making this about you as it's human i was like

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oh my god she's gonna be a smaller size than

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me because she's at her one year mark and she's

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a size 10 what the fuck and i was like first

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of all she's fucking like six foot amazon you're

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five three and a half so You are different than

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her size wise. I was like a size eight for you

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and a size 10 for like complete. Are totally

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different. Bodies, Hannah. She like, also here's

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a crazy thing. You're size 10, right? And you

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said you're about like 180 something, right?

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I'm a size eight. So we're not very far off in

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sizes, but because I'm short, I'm like 171, something

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like that. Right. And that's my regain. I used

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to be in the 160s and now I'm having major fucking

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self -esteem issues because I'm closer to 180

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than I am 160 and I could just die. But we're

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not the same height. We have different bodies,

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right? So like, have I put on a little bit of

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weight? Yes. Has that changed my clothing size?

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Oddly enough, not, which is fucking weird. But

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I had that thought and I felt so guilty because

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I was like, who cares? Who cares if Steph becomes

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a size six? when we stand beside each other I

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bet we'll actually look similar because she's

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taller than you like who fucking cares she doesn't

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have your body no no and it all depends on where

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you carry your weight what parts of your body

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how you carry it like whether your legs are bigger

00:13:25.080 --> 00:13:27.379
and your arms are bigger oh it's so ridiculous

00:13:27.379 --> 00:13:30.220
but 100 % like it's human nature and I remember

00:13:30.220 --> 00:13:33.539
through this entire process always like messaging

00:13:33.539 --> 00:13:35.639
you and being like okay how where were you this

00:13:35.639 --> 00:13:37.500
far out where are you this far out because it's

00:13:37.500 --> 00:13:39.519
the then I said they'd be like okay well Hannah

00:13:39.519 --> 00:13:41.720
was here why am I not there or Hannah was like

00:13:41.720 --> 00:13:44.399
why am I not where this person is and okay this

00:13:44.399 --> 00:13:46.940
person is is eight months post -op and they've

00:13:46.940 --> 00:13:49.940
already lost this like it's a constant thing

00:13:49.940 --> 00:13:53.080
and it's it's we can't you can't help it but

00:13:53.080 --> 00:13:57.960
it's so it's so dangerous at times but it's so

00:13:57.960 --> 00:14:01.889
hard Yeah, it does. It becomes your sole obsession

00:14:01.889 --> 00:14:05.570
and focus. And it takes away the positives from

00:14:05.570 --> 00:14:09.070
you. I felt horrible because I had I had literally

00:14:09.070 --> 00:14:12.269
just associated myself with a size. And I remember

00:14:12.269 --> 00:14:15.090
thinking, this is your friend. Go fucking celebrate

00:14:15.090 --> 00:14:17.669
her. And who cares if she if she wears a different

00:14:17.669 --> 00:14:19.549
like because the other thing is like I had a

00:14:19.549 --> 00:14:21.909
great friend reach out to me. You know her. We

00:14:21.909 --> 00:14:23.970
used to work with her. I'm not going to say where

00:14:23.970 --> 00:14:25.549
some people find her, but we'll call, you know.

00:14:25.950 --> 00:14:28.570
came and she was like oh my god we're the same

00:14:28.570 --> 00:14:30.730
size like when I posted that I finally fit into

00:14:30.730 --> 00:14:33.649
a size eight and I remember thinking are you

00:14:33.649 --> 00:14:35.789
fucked look at how fucking big I am and look

00:14:35.789 --> 00:14:38.649
at you you little twig like there's no way that

00:14:38.649 --> 00:14:41.389
you are that size but again it's how you carry

00:14:41.389 --> 00:14:43.889
it where you wear it now me being a size eight

00:14:43.889 --> 00:14:46.470
and her being a size eight she's tall and slender

00:14:46.470 --> 00:14:49.669
things look different on her I am a bit obviously

00:14:49.669 --> 00:14:53.450
shorter I have thick muscular thighs eights look

00:14:53.450 --> 00:14:55.970
different than me, right? Like they're not maybe

00:14:55.970 --> 00:14:57.970
as loose fitting, but they still fit. I'm not

00:14:57.970 --> 00:15:01.090
sausaging myself into these things. They fit.

00:15:01.129 --> 00:15:03.289
They fit well and they look good, but they look

00:15:03.289 --> 00:15:05.470
different. So nobody would actually look at me

00:15:05.470 --> 00:15:08.070
and probably go, oh, size eight. Like I genuinely,

00:15:08.149 --> 00:15:10.409
when I stand next to her, I probably look like

00:15:10.409 --> 00:15:12.649
I'm a bit bigger than her. It's again, how I

00:15:12.649 --> 00:15:14.950
carry things on my body. But I just remember

00:15:14.950 --> 00:15:18.330
thinking, stop it. And I remember when you'd

00:15:18.330 --> 00:15:21.419
reach out because I. and this is not a brag,

00:15:21.480 --> 00:15:23.639
it's going to sound like a brag. I was ahead

00:15:23.639 --> 00:15:25.820
of the curve with my bariatric surgery and they

00:15:25.820 --> 00:15:28.279
let me know you're, you're way ahead of where

00:15:28.279 --> 00:15:31.340
we expect. I would always be like, why am I not

00:15:31.340 --> 00:15:34.340
where Hannah was? It's a great indicator of like

00:15:34.340 --> 00:15:36.960
long -term success. And I have had good success.

00:15:37.240 --> 00:15:40.340
Yeah. But I remember being honest with you and

00:15:40.340 --> 00:15:43.929
saying I was ahead. You are absolutely where

00:15:43.929 --> 00:15:46.149
you're supposed to be. I was, I don't know, a

00:15:46.149 --> 00:15:48.230
freak of nature, and I zoomed ahead a little.

00:15:48.330 --> 00:15:51.149
Not a lot, a little. And it ebbs and flows. It

00:15:51.149 --> 00:15:53.970
does. Because now when I look at other people,

00:15:53.990 --> 00:15:55.909
and again, yeah, I don't want to sound— You're

00:15:55.909 --> 00:15:58.230
way ahead of them. Right? I don't want to sound

00:15:58.230 --> 00:16:04.929
braggy. But now I'm 10 and a half months post

00:16:04.929 --> 00:16:12.220
-op, and I have hit 126 pounds. Ayo. Ayo. Never

00:16:12.220 --> 00:16:13.820
would I, number one, never would I have thought

00:16:13.820 --> 00:16:16.559
that. But number two, then yeah, now I'm ahead.

00:16:16.759 --> 00:16:20.360
So it goes, it ebbs and flows. Everybody's their

00:16:20.360 --> 00:16:22.179
own person. And I remember listening to this

00:16:22.179 --> 00:16:24.500
one podcast and they were talking about comparison.

00:16:25.019 --> 00:16:28.179
And it was like way before this surgery or anything.

00:16:28.559 --> 00:16:30.679
Because I was always, I wish I looked like her.

00:16:30.759 --> 00:16:32.720
I wish I looked like them. I wish I could da

00:16:32.720 --> 00:16:34.759
-da -da -da -da. And I remember them saying,

00:16:34.860 --> 00:16:38.740
it's a slippery slope because you also don't

00:16:38.740 --> 00:16:41.860
know. that person's situation, right? You don't

00:16:41.860 --> 00:16:44.840
know why they look like that, how they got there.

00:16:44.960 --> 00:16:46.820
Maybe that person looks like that because they've

00:16:46.820 --> 00:16:48.940
been battling an eating disorder for the last

00:16:48.940 --> 00:16:52.600
10 years. So do you want to look like them? Maybe,

00:16:52.679 --> 00:16:54.639
but do you want it because of the way they got

00:16:54.639 --> 00:16:57.799
there? No, you don't know what's going on. You

00:16:57.799 --> 00:16:59.159
don't know what it takes. You don't know their

00:16:59.159 --> 00:17:01.360
history. You don't know all of that. And it takes

00:17:01.360 --> 00:17:03.899
away the positives of your own journey because

00:17:03.899 --> 00:17:06.579
then you're so focused on the negative. What

00:17:06.579 --> 00:17:09.799
does that say? Comparison is the thief of joy.

00:17:11.079 --> 00:17:14.460
And it is. And you're right. There's that other

00:17:14.460 --> 00:17:18.279
saying, be careful what you wish for. You don't

00:17:18.279 --> 00:17:20.480
want to like what you see on social is a fraction

00:17:20.480 --> 00:17:23.700
of it. So when I was at my thinnest and I'm talking,

00:17:23.779 --> 00:17:27.279
was I really happy to be in those numbers? Yeah.

00:17:27.339 --> 00:17:29.539
Maybe with a little braggadocious about like

00:17:29.539 --> 00:17:33.000
how thin I was. I had fucking pneumonia. And

00:17:33.000 --> 00:17:35.119
like, yes, people were like, whoa, you look great.

00:17:35.180 --> 00:17:37.680
And I was like. But you felt like you were dying.

00:17:37.900 --> 00:17:42.000
For three weeks, I was at home. I now have learned,

00:17:42.079 --> 00:17:44.220
by the way, because I got access to my medical

00:17:44.220 --> 00:17:48.099
records. I had a partially collapsed lung for

00:17:48.099 --> 00:17:50.019
those three weeks. I wonder why you felt like

00:17:50.019 --> 00:17:52.460
you were dying. And I couldn't get off the couch.

00:17:52.640 --> 00:17:55.039
I couldn't eat. I couldn't drink. I could barely

00:17:55.039 --> 00:17:59.079
function. I couldn't work. I mentally felt the

00:17:59.079 --> 00:18:00.799
worst I'd ever felt in my life. Because right

00:18:00.799 --> 00:18:03.900
before I got crippling pneumonia, I was working

00:18:03.900 --> 00:18:06.849
out like five days a week. But I was exhausted.

00:18:07.009 --> 00:18:10.069
I was pushing myself harder than I ever should

00:18:10.069 --> 00:18:12.490
have because I was so fucking obsessed with how

00:18:12.490 --> 00:18:16.109
I looked and that number. And I now realize that

00:18:16.109 --> 00:18:19.170
was a warning sign that I was ill. I had a virus.

00:18:19.230 --> 00:18:24.130
Something was going wrong. And I, so be careful

00:18:24.130 --> 00:18:26.210
what you, because people were, whoa, fuck, you

00:18:26.210 --> 00:18:28.410
look great. Yeah, folks, I stopped eating for

00:18:28.410 --> 00:18:30.849
two and a half weeks because I physically couldn't.

00:18:30.869 --> 00:18:34.710
Like I checked into the hospital with like horrific

00:18:34.710 --> 00:18:37.450
stats. and had to stay there for five days because

00:18:37.450 --> 00:18:40.130
I had like one of the worst cases of pneumonia

00:18:40.130 --> 00:18:42.390
they had seen. And my right lung was partially

00:18:42.390 --> 00:18:45.250
collapsed. But you look great, Hannah. I look

00:18:45.250 --> 00:18:50.369
great. I look fucking dope. You know, look great.

00:18:50.829 --> 00:18:53.769
So it became one of those. Yeah. So Steph's right.

00:18:53.829 --> 00:18:56.589
Like, just be careful what you wish for and what

00:18:56.589 --> 00:19:00.359
you're hoping for. We'll do a whole episode on

00:19:00.359 --> 00:19:01.720
plastic surgery. I don't want to get into it

00:19:01.720 --> 00:19:03.420
too much now, but it's those things where at

00:19:03.420 --> 00:19:05.000
first we were like, of course we're going to

00:19:05.000 --> 00:19:07.740
get the loose skin cut off. Are you crazy? And

00:19:07.740 --> 00:19:09.700
now both Steph and I are like, there's not a

00:19:09.700 --> 00:19:13.359
fucking chance in hell we are ever having that

00:19:13.359 --> 00:19:15.680
surgery. That loose skin is going to dangle with

00:19:15.680 --> 00:19:19.759
pride and flap like... And we'll get into it

00:19:19.759 --> 00:19:21.579
in another episode, not now, but it's because

00:19:21.579 --> 00:19:24.220
people finally pulled back the curtain and showed

00:19:24.220 --> 00:19:26.359
us what really goes on behind the scenes. And

00:19:26.359 --> 00:19:29.250
I was like... No amount of plastic surgery is

00:19:29.250 --> 00:19:31.289
worth what the fuck they have to go through to

00:19:31.289 --> 00:19:34.309
get there. So comparison is the thief of joy.

00:19:34.450 --> 00:19:36.710
And that's one of the mental hard things about

00:19:36.710 --> 00:19:40.569
this surgery is I talk about it with my therapist

00:19:40.569 --> 00:19:44.009
because I'm really struggling with not enough.

00:19:44.170 --> 00:19:46.769
I haven't done it enough. I have failed on this

00:19:46.769 --> 00:19:49.690
journey. I was riding such a high, like it's

00:19:49.690 --> 00:19:52.109
really hard when you, boy, how do I say this

00:19:52.109 --> 00:19:55.170
without sounding like a cunt? When you're the

00:19:55.170 --> 00:19:58.490
star student. when you're a high achiever, when

00:19:58.490 --> 00:20:00.369
you've gone above and beyond what you're supposed

00:20:00.369 --> 00:20:04.009
to go and do to then go to, okay, well, goodbye.

00:20:04.130 --> 00:20:06.569
Now you're just a normal person. And to be able

00:20:06.569 --> 00:20:11.430
to regain, like it's really mentally hard. Like

00:20:11.430 --> 00:20:14.950
I haven't been working out as much as I used

00:20:14.950 --> 00:20:16.890
to in the first year because I've been sick.

00:20:16.970 --> 00:20:19.250
My body's just been shutting down. I've had virus

00:20:19.250 --> 00:20:22.490
after virus after fucking virus. I just finished

00:20:22.490 --> 00:20:24.690
a round of antibiotics. So like, I know that

00:20:24.690 --> 00:20:28.339
I'm not at my peak. and that's my body, but I'm,

00:20:28.339 --> 00:20:30.900
I'm comparing myself to other people. I'll do

00:20:30.900 --> 00:20:32.839
it to you. I'll be like, Steph's out here working

00:20:32.839 --> 00:20:34.279
her butt to the bone. She's going to lose more

00:20:34.279 --> 00:20:35.799
weight than you. She's going to be more successful

00:20:35.799 --> 00:20:37.759
than you because you're not doing enough. Like,

00:20:37.759 --> 00:20:40.420
and then I have to stop and go talk to Steph

00:20:40.420 --> 00:20:42.259
when she's at the two and a half year mark, Hannah,

00:20:42.319 --> 00:20:45.500
like she's in the early stages. Like stop. You

00:20:45.500 --> 00:20:50.640
are not saying. Apples to oranges. And like,

00:20:50.700 --> 00:20:54.119
it is tough. And we've talked about like. Do

00:20:54.119 --> 00:20:56.119
they have medical conditions? Do they have other

00:20:56.119 --> 00:20:58.119
prior things? Do they have physical limitations?

00:20:58.480 --> 00:21:02.460
Do they have food? Like there's so many things

00:21:02.460 --> 00:21:04.880
that go into it, but it's, it's so true. And

00:21:04.880 --> 00:21:08.200
like feeling like I've been in a, and I always

00:21:08.200 --> 00:21:09.839
say this and I know it's not like I've said in

00:21:09.839 --> 00:21:11.319
the past, I'm in a stall, I'm in a stall. And

00:21:11.319 --> 00:21:13.200
it would be like a couple of days. I think the

00:21:13.200 --> 00:21:15.660
true definition of a stall that they say is like

00:21:15.660 --> 00:21:18.839
a few weeks or something, but I'm now in a stall.

00:21:18.980 --> 00:21:21.690
It's been three weeks. I've been at the exact

00:21:21.690 --> 00:21:23.750
same like one pound here and there mark. I'm

00:21:23.750 --> 00:21:26.450
so freaking frustrated. And so now I'm starting

00:21:26.450 --> 00:21:29.849
to go down the spiral of this isn't working anymore.

00:21:29.930 --> 00:21:31.970
Why isn't this working? Why is this happening?

00:21:32.089 --> 00:21:33.630
How can these people are still losing weight?

00:21:33.690 --> 00:21:36.049
I'm done. I'm at the end of my weight loss. What's

00:21:36.049 --> 00:21:38.849
the point? Why am I doing that? And I'm like,

00:21:38.890 --> 00:21:40.670
is this where I'm going to like, is this it?

00:21:40.890 --> 00:21:43.210
Is this where I'm going to be like, and then

00:21:43.210 --> 00:21:45.369
I got mad. But then on the flip side, I'm like,

00:21:45.410 --> 00:21:48.089
well, Steph, I mean, you're in a size 10, which

00:21:48.089 --> 00:21:51.140
you never thought would happen. You lost 126

00:21:51.140 --> 00:21:52.400
pounds, which you never thought would happen.

00:21:52.440 --> 00:21:54.119
Maybe you should just be thankful and grateful

00:21:54.119 --> 00:21:56.440
for where you are. But then I'm like, no, screw

00:21:56.440 --> 00:22:00.059
that. Screw that. I want more. And then I will

00:22:00.059 --> 00:22:02.440
like go for a walk. And I used to get messages.

00:22:02.460 --> 00:22:04.440
Funny. I used to get messages from people being

00:22:04.440 --> 00:22:06.099
like, hey, I just saw you out walking. You look

00:22:06.099 --> 00:22:09.200
great. Or, hey, I drove past you and I'm so sorry.

00:22:09.259 --> 00:22:11.519
I didn't even recognize it was you. And now I

00:22:11.519 --> 00:22:14.539
go for my lunchtime walks. And the whole walk,

00:22:14.559 --> 00:22:16.200
I'm like waiting for my phone to go off and it

00:22:16.200 --> 00:22:18.460
doesn't go off. I don't get it. And I get home

00:22:18.460 --> 00:22:20.660
and there's no, there's no messages anymore.

00:22:20.900 --> 00:22:23.779
Yeah. What the shit? Like, did nobody see me

00:22:23.779 --> 00:22:26.339
out walking? I know people saw me. And then again,

00:22:26.400 --> 00:22:28.759
I stop. I'm like, would you get off your fricking

00:22:28.759 --> 00:22:33.880
high horse and just walk for you? Stop it. Stop

00:22:33.880 --> 00:22:38.119
being so self -centered. God. It's such a vicious

00:22:38.119 --> 00:22:42.859
cycle. And we've said it in so many. Yeah. We've

00:22:42.859 --> 00:22:44.799
brought it up in almost every element of this

00:22:44.799 --> 00:22:48.900
surgery discussion is that, at least for us,

00:22:48.960 --> 00:22:53.440
and I'll speak for you, the surgery itself was

00:22:53.440 --> 00:22:58.519
not hard. Like the surgery was easy. Easy. It's

00:22:58.519 --> 00:23:03.700
the mental part of all that is so freaking hard

00:23:03.700 --> 00:23:06.619
and that people don't see and that people don't

00:23:06.619 --> 00:23:11.460
understand is all of the food noise, the self.

00:23:12.160 --> 00:23:15.660
Doubt, self -pity, the loathing, the anger, like

00:23:15.660 --> 00:23:19.339
all of that mental stuff. Yeah, that goes on.

00:23:19.539 --> 00:23:22.079
And it's, like you said, and we said, it's highs

00:23:22.079 --> 00:23:23.779
and lows because you'll have those comparison

00:23:23.779 --> 00:23:26.160
days. You'll have those days where this isn't

00:23:26.160 --> 00:23:28.420
working. Why is this not happening? And then

00:23:28.420 --> 00:23:30.539
the next day, you look at yourself in the mirror

00:23:30.539 --> 00:23:33.559
and you're like, dang, I look good. This is awesome.

00:23:33.700 --> 00:23:35.740
This is fantastic. And then the next day you're

00:23:35.740 --> 00:23:39.779
back to, well, this is bullshit. Yeah, like it's

00:23:39.779 --> 00:23:43.759
mentally exhausting. I posted that thrifting

00:23:43.759 --> 00:23:46.480
video, which is very recent. And I was like,

00:23:46.619 --> 00:23:48.980
oh, fuck, you look pretty goddamn good in this

00:23:48.980 --> 00:23:52.720
stuff. Like the cat that's about to join me here.

00:23:53.359 --> 00:23:55.619
You look really good in this. And like, I even

00:23:55.619 --> 00:23:57.960
had a friend go, damn, that Zara jacket, because

00:23:57.960 --> 00:24:00.279
I did it in like a sportswear and someone was

00:24:00.279 --> 00:24:03.660
like, shit. I was like, all right, this is a

00:24:03.660 --> 00:24:05.660
pretty good picture. And now I'm right back to

00:24:05.660 --> 00:24:08.970
like. I am a slob. I'm a pig. I'm not doing enough.

00:24:09.269 --> 00:24:13.009
I'm fat. And like it does it does wear off. I

00:24:13.009 --> 00:24:14.950
don't get comments anymore about how good I look

00:24:14.950 --> 00:24:18.769
or what I'm doing. And I'm worried I'm going

00:24:18.769 --> 00:24:20.869
to get the opposite. Like I'm so worried someone's

00:24:20.869 --> 00:24:23.150
going to go, if you put on some weight. Right.

00:24:23.269 --> 00:24:27.329
Maybe. Maybe. Fuck. Like and I all my clothes

00:24:27.329 --> 00:24:29.549
still fit. And I remember because I ranted to

00:24:29.549 --> 00:24:32.849
you and Cass and I was like, OK, so I found out

00:24:32.849 --> 00:24:35.970
what was wrong. if things get under your scale,

00:24:36.089 --> 00:24:39.470
it will throw your scale off. So there was a

00:24:39.470 --> 00:24:46.150
day that I stood up. I said, how the fuck have

00:24:46.150 --> 00:24:49.849
I gained 10 pounds in a day? Guys, I've gained

00:24:49.849 --> 00:24:52.890
10 .5 pounds. Like, are you kidding? I'm off

00:24:52.890 --> 00:24:55.150
the wet. What is happening? And then the next

00:24:55.150 --> 00:24:58.089
day I stood on the scale and I was like, normal

00:24:58.089 --> 00:25:00.109
so i was cleaning the bathroom and i was like

00:25:00.109 --> 00:25:02.150
i'm gonna throw this out and i lifted it up and

00:25:02.150 --> 00:25:05.910
the dog had shoved shit under the scale so i

00:25:05.910 --> 00:25:09.450
moved it into the kitchen the kitchen and i put

00:25:09.450 --> 00:25:11.670
it on a like a solid surface and i stood on it

00:25:11.670 --> 00:25:14.289
and i was like yeah okay we're back to what i

00:25:14.289 --> 00:25:16.049
thought i should be at because i like i almost

00:25:16.049 --> 00:25:18.390
had a shit fit that i had gained 12 pounds or

00:25:18.390 --> 00:25:21.450
10 pounds because i'm dealing with that but like

00:25:21.450 --> 00:25:23.789
my fear now is that someone will see me and they'll

00:25:23.789 --> 00:25:29.920
say oh hannah look bigger and like I'm hard on

00:25:29.920 --> 00:25:32.140
myself about this because I feel like I see it

00:25:32.140 --> 00:25:36.859
but yeah I I see it like I'm really analyzing

00:25:36.859 --> 00:25:40.420
my face now in photos and I'm going oh my face

00:25:40.420 --> 00:25:42.900
is bigger my face is fatter I get all these like

00:25:42.900 --> 00:25:45.940
notifications of like even comparison let's take

00:25:45.940 --> 00:25:48.680
weight out of it you did way more exercise in

00:25:48.680 --> 00:25:50.759
your first or second year you were doing more

00:25:50.759 --> 00:25:52.980
I get all these notifications about my running

00:25:52.980 --> 00:25:57.059
and my training and I get angry because I'm like,

00:25:57.200 --> 00:25:59.980
this isn't fair. This isn't how I'm supposed

00:25:59.980 --> 00:26:03.539
to be feeling or this isn't like the first year.

00:26:04.099 --> 00:26:07.099
I'll say the first year and a half even. It's

00:26:07.099 --> 00:26:10.579
a gift and you feel great because you're doing

00:26:10.579 --> 00:26:12.779
what we all do. You are hyper fixated on this

00:26:12.779 --> 00:26:15.299
new you. So everything is magical and euphoric

00:26:15.299 --> 00:26:18.299
and amazing and great when life creeps in. And

00:26:18.299 --> 00:26:20.619
this has been the single hardest year of my life,

00:26:20.680 --> 00:26:22.720
the hardest year of bariatric surgery, the hardest

00:26:22.720 --> 00:26:25.700
year of my life. I am comparing myself. I am

00:26:25.700 --> 00:26:28.339
tearing myself down. I have all my self -esteem

00:26:28.339 --> 00:26:30.680
issues have come back. So when people warn you

00:26:30.680 --> 00:26:35.539
that it comes back, that anything that you ignore,

00:26:35.599 --> 00:26:38.140
as my therapist loves to say, what you resist

00:26:38.140 --> 00:26:42.039
persists. Just because you're gone for that moment

00:26:42.039 --> 00:26:46.059
and you think everything is cured, my depression's

00:26:46.059 --> 00:26:48.779
gone, my eating's gone, my self -esteem's gone,

00:26:48.839 --> 00:26:51.579
my anxiety, whatever you had, and you think it's

00:26:51.579 --> 00:26:55.210
gone. Please just know it comes back because

00:26:55.210 --> 00:26:58.230
now I'm back to, oh, do I really need to go out

00:26:58.230 --> 00:27:00.309
and exercise today? And I can order takeout.

00:27:00.309 --> 00:27:03.490
Who cares? And oh, I'm hungry all the time or

00:27:03.490 --> 00:27:07.730
like it's all coming back. And I get furiously

00:27:07.730 --> 00:27:10.490
angry because I'm like, no, this isn't fair.

00:27:10.750 --> 00:27:13.970
I want I want her back from last year. Want the

00:27:13.970 --> 00:27:15.890
one that was like doing all this amazing stuff

00:27:15.890 --> 00:27:18.349
and didn't have any of these issues to deal with.

00:27:18.450 --> 00:27:20.710
And like the sad it's not even sad. The reality

00:27:20.710 --> 00:27:23.309
is that's fucking life, Hannah. Work is busy.

00:27:23.390 --> 00:27:25.950
Life is stressful. These things were never gone.

00:27:26.230 --> 00:27:29.150
They just got pushed down a little bit while

00:27:29.150 --> 00:27:31.789
your sole focus was there. And it waited. It

00:27:31.789 --> 00:27:34.410
sat there going, just wait. Just wait. There's

00:27:34.410 --> 00:27:37.529
going to be a sickness. There's going to be a

00:27:37.529 --> 00:27:39.509
mental health, you know, maybe like a death in

00:27:39.509 --> 00:27:41.630
the family or burnout. Something's going to be

00:27:41.630 --> 00:27:43.970
happening. Like something's going to come. Just

00:27:43.970 --> 00:27:46.690
wait. We just wait. And when that thing comes,

00:27:46.910 --> 00:27:49.329
we're all going to get to come back to the party.

00:27:50.490 --> 00:27:52.269
I know I sound like a broken goddamn record,

00:27:52.369 --> 00:27:54.950
but it was fucking pneumonia. And that's all

00:27:54.950 --> 00:27:57.750
it took. Like this year has just been an immense

00:27:57.750 --> 00:28:01.150
struggle to get back to what I think I need to

00:28:01.150 --> 00:28:05.589
be back at. Because, and I'm mad. And I don't

00:28:05.589 --> 00:28:07.430
know if people have advice for me, but I'm mad.

00:28:07.549 --> 00:28:10.490
I get really mad about, I just want to feel like

00:28:10.490 --> 00:28:13.640
I felt. before and I I don't know how to get

00:28:13.640 --> 00:28:16.799
that back and if I'll ever get that back and

00:28:16.799 --> 00:28:20.740
I'm angry and I'm hurt for that too hard and

00:28:20.740 --> 00:28:25.140
I'm missing the joy in my life right now I'm

00:28:25.140 --> 00:28:27.859
I'm discrediting all that I've done and all that

00:28:27.859 --> 00:28:32.059
I am doing right with this notion of who I think

00:28:32.059 --> 00:28:34.839
I'm supposed to be the goal weight that I think

00:28:34.839 --> 00:28:41.990
I'm supposed to be at when in reality If 315

00:28:41.990 --> 00:28:45.809
pound Hannah sat in front of me today and heard

00:28:45.809 --> 00:28:50.910
me complaining like this, she would go, do you

00:28:50.910 --> 00:28:53.470
see the way you look right now? Like, do you

00:28:53.470 --> 00:28:55.910
see that you get, you have a dog that you've

00:28:55.910 --> 00:28:58.490
dreamt about it and you walk him every day and

00:28:58.490 --> 00:29:00.410
that you don't get winded walking around the

00:29:00.410 --> 00:29:02.730
grocery store and that you go to like, I don't

00:29:02.730 --> 00:29:04.609
care that you're not running a 10K this year,

00:29:04.670 --> 00:29:06.789
Hannah. The fact that you did it in your lifetime

00:29:06.789 --> 00:29:10.869
is enough for me. And I can't. You know, I'm

00:29:10.869 --> 00:29:14.670
I'm my own worst person. This comparison is truly

00:29:14.670 --> 00:29:19.109
stealing my joy. Yeah, it's true. And if if yeah,

00:29:19.190 --> 00:29:22.589
if previous pre -surgery stuff was sitting there,

00:29:22.710 --> 00:29:25.670
same thing. She'd punch me in the face and be

00:29:25.670 --> 00:29:28.769
like, look, look at all the things physically

00:29:28.769 --> 00:29:31.670
you've accomplished. Look at the mental shifts

00:29:31.670 --> 00:29:34.609
you've had, the mindset shifts you have. Look

00:29:34.609 --> 00:29:38.349
at the new. outlook you have on life. Look at

00:29:38.349 --> 00:29:40.190
the activities you've done with your kids. Look

00:29:40.190 --> 00:29:42.430
at how much more you've moved your body. And

00:29:42.430 --> 00:29:45.950
it's really funny because we get so focused on

00:29:45.950 --> 00:29:50.490
the physical with this that I was, I was volunteering

00:29:50.490 --> 00:29:53.650
at something the other weekend and I had one

00:29:53.650 --> 00:29:56.910
of the late girls in town who I've seen off and

00:29:56.910 --> 00:29:59.730
on since surgery. She came up to me and she goes,

00:29:59.789 --> 00:30:01.690
I'm sorry, I haven't, I meant to pull you aside,

00:30:01.750 --> 00:30:03.829
but you know, it's always busy at soccer, this

00:30:03.829 --> 00:30:06.190
or this. She goes, but I wanted to tell you that

00:30:06.190 --> 00:30:08.710
you look amazing. And I was like, oh, thanks.

00:30:09.089 --> 00:30:11.430
And she's like, not, she goes, I don't mean physically.

00:30:11.569 --> 00:30:12.950
She goes, not that you don't look good physically.

00:30:13.150 --> 00:30:15.829
She's like, that's you. She goes, but she goes,

00:30:15.849 --> 00:30:18.349
every time I see you, she goes, you just look

00:30:18.349 --> 00:30:22.890
so different. Yeah. She's like, you're glowing.

00:30:23.049 --> 00:30:25.730
She's like, you have this vibe about you that

00:30:25.730 --> 00:30:28.349
wasn't there before. And you have this, this

00:30:28.349 --> 00:30:30.990
confidence and this glow and this demeanor. And

00:30:30.990 --> 00:30:32.609
like, she's, she's like, you can just see it

00:30:32.609 --> 00:30:35.900
like radiating. And I was like, I never, like,

00:30:35.960 --> 00:30:38.359
I never thought about it that way. I was always

00:30:38.359 --> 00:30:41.619
so focused on the physical. And I think that's

00:30:41.619 --> 00:30:43.700
important when you start to go down those spirals

00:30:43.700 --> 00:30:47.160
is to either sit back and make a mental note

00:30:47.160 --> 00:30:50.519
of all of those things, make a mental list or

00:30:50.519 --> 00:30:53.259
write it down, put it on sticky notes, put it

00:30:53.259 --> 00:30:55.319
on, if you have a mirror, like put it on a mirror.

00:30:55.940 --> 00:30:59.460
Because I know for me, yeah, like I need that,

00:30:59.460 --> 00:31:04.559
that reminder. Because once you start down that

00:31:04.559 --> 00:31:07.200
spiral, like you said, we are our own worst enemy.

00:31:07.359 --> 00:31:10.319
And it'd be so dangerous to then start nitpicking

00:31:10.319 --> 00:31:13.279
at all the stupid little things. Everything.

00:31:13.740 --> 00:31:16.640
Yeah. And stop taking a minute actually going,

00:31:16.720 --> 00:31:20.700
no, look at all the shit that's changed. Look

00:31:20.700 --> 00:31:22.799
at all the things I can do now that I couldn't

00:31:22.799 --> 00:31:26.220
do. Look at all of the steps I made in the right

00:31:26.220 --> 00:31:28.759
direction. But it can be so easy to forget about

00:31:28.759 --> 00:31:31.740
those. And so I find. Having them written down

00:31:31.740 --> 00:31:35.079
in some form and being able to quickly pull that

00:31:35.079 --> 00:31:37.880
up and be like, no, hold on a second. And reminding

00:31:37.880 --> 00:31:40.900
yourself of that is a super helpful way, at least

00:31:40.900 --> 00:31:44.039
for me, to get pulled out of that spiral. Because

00:31:44.039 --> 00:31:48.099
once you go, it's not pretty. No, and I'm in

00:31:48.099 --> 00:31:51.039
it. I know I'm in it. I know I'm dealing with

00:31:51.039 --> 00:31:53.619
body image issues and things. And I think it's

00:31:53.619 --> 00:31:55.920
important to be real on this podcast because

00:31:55.920 --> 00:31:58.680
there are going to be weeks and moments where.

00:31:59.559 --> 00:32:03.220
it's it's hard to do that but you nailed it because

00:32:03.220 --> 00:32:06.160
someone once said that to me do you see how you're

00:32:06.160 --> 00:32:08.900
smiling in all of your pictures and you never

00:32:08.900 --> 00:32:11.420
used to do that and you know do you see that

00:32:11.420 --> 00:32:14.380
you're more confident or outspoken or even okay

00:32:14.380 --> 00:32:19.160
sure I'm going through you know some health stuff

00:32:19.160 --> 00:32:22.519
you're more outspoken about it you are pushing

00:32:22.519 --> 00:32:26.970
you now know yeah what you want to feel like

00:32:26.970 --> 00:32:30.490
and you're advocating for that that hey you know

00:32:30.490 --> 00:32:32.950
it's probably perimenopause god help us all for

00:32:32.950 --> 00:32:38.609
fuck's sake back when I was obese it was just

00:32:38.609 --> 00:32:41.049
oh well I'm fat so I guess everything is because

00:32:41.049 --> 00:32:43.529
you're right you know I guess it's just how I

00:32:43.529 --> 00:32:45.670
feel and I'm just gonna deal with it and now

00:32:45.670 --> 00:32:49.200
it's you know No, this is advocating. And yes,

00:32:49.240 --> 00:32:50.839
there's nothing majorly wrong with me. I should

00:32:50.839 --> 00:32:52.559
I should preface that, guys. I don't have any

00:32:52.559 --> 00:32:55.380
major issues. I literally just had like the flu

00:32:55.380 --> 00:32:57.200
and then after the flu, a bladder infection.

00:32:57.259 --> 00:32:59.240
And then after that, a sinus infection. And it

00:32:59.240 --> 00:33:01.240
was like, please, someone shoot me. Like I went

00:33:01.240 --> 00:33:03.220
through two rounds of antibiotics because I just

00:33:03.220 --> 00:33:05.980
couldn't stop catching these damn little viruses

00:33:05.980 --> 00:33:08.500
that are not life threatening in any way. But

00:33:08.500 --> 00:33:11.259
I'm advocating for this versus just sitting on

00:33:11.259 --> 00:33:13.920
the couch because I was like, this is not. how

00:33:13.920 --> 00:33:16.920
I want to feel. I know what good feels like.

00:33:17.000 --> 00:33:19.599
So you're right. There are things that I should

00:33:19.599 --> 00:33:21.700
focus on. Yes. I'm not running a half marathon

00:33:21.700 --> 00:33:23.779
this year, even though I totally thought I would.

00:33:24.180 --> 00:33:28.460
Okay. But I've come a long way since laying on

00:33:28.460 --> 00:33:30.019
the couch with a collapsed lung, being unable

00:33:30.019 --> 00:33:35.400
to do anything. And I'm advocating for my health

00:33:35.400 --> 00:33:37.980
and feeling better. I'm taking more time for

00:33:37.980 --> 00:33:40.220
myself, which I never used to do because people

00:33:40.220 --> 00:33:43.430
would reach out back then and go. Are you okay?

00:33:43.589 --> 00:33:45.990
You seem to be overdoing it. Why are you in the

00:33:45.990 --> 00:33:48.069
gym? And I used to get hangry and I'm like, I

00:33:48.069 --> 00:33:50.829
want to work out all the time. And I raged about

00:33:50.829 --> 00:33:55.970
it. And now I kind of realized like, I don't

00:33:55.970 --> 00:33:58.529
know. So I kind of want balance. So there are

00:33:58.529 --> 00:34:01.130
things, things are good. Things are not nearly

00:34:01.130 --> 00:34:03.930
as like terrible as I make them seem, but it

00:34:03.930 --> 00:34:06.049
is easy to get in that spiral of what I think

00:34:06.049 --> 00:34:09.510
I should be, who I think I should be, caring

00:34:09.510 --> 00:34:12.289
what other people think about me, the goal weight.

00:34:12.619 --> 00:34:14.380
The goal weight's one of the worst things that

00:34:14.380 --> 00:34:16.440
you can do to yourself in this surgery. Don't

00:34:16.440 --> 00:34:18.519
set it. I don't have one. Everybody knows that.

00:34:19.440 --> 00:34:21.079
Everybody's always like, so what, like, when

00:34:21.079 --> 00:34:22.900
are you going to be done? What, what's your number?

00:34:23.099 --> 00:34:25.320
I said, I don't, I don't have a number and I

00:34:25.320 --> 00:34:28.780
will not. I will not. When my body's done, it's

00:34:28.780 --> 00:34:30.619
done. And when I feel good. I should never have

00:34:30.619 --> 00:34:33.519
picked a number. Pick a size, pick a dress size

00:34:33.519 --> 00:34:36.219
maybe. But I should never have picked a number

00:34:36.219 --> 00:34:38.340
because now I'm like superficially stuck on that

00:34:38.340 --> 00:34:40.420
number. And I'll be honest, my number is 140.

00:34:43.210 --> 00:34:46.110
And it's like, OK, there was a point where I

00:34:46.110 --> 00:34:48.550
was really happy with myself again in the early

00:34:48.550 --> 00:34:51.289
stages. And I said to my family doctor and even

00:34:51.289 --> 00:34:52.909
to Steph, if this is all I lose, I don't even

00:34:52.909 --> 00:34:55.190
care. I'm so happy with where I am. If this is

00:34:55.190 --> 00:34:58.170
as far as I go, then I'm so grateful. And now

00:34:58.170 --> 00:35:01.570
I'm like, no, I'm not. Keep going. And it's because

00:35:01.570 --> 00:35:05.289
I'm chasing that high. I'm chasing the holy shit.

00:35:05.329 --> 00:35:08.719
You look amazing. And it's like. I don't think

00:35:08.719 --> 00:35:11.460
140 is even, I just don't know if that's an achievable

00:35:11.460 --> 00:35:14.960
thing for me. We'll talk more about some things

00:35:14.960 --> 00:35:16.599
that I'm going to be doing in my life to maybe

00:35:16.599 --> 00:35:20.579
potentially assist in that. But that's, to me,

00:35:20.619 --> 00:35:22.460
I just kind of think like, and I remember saying

00:35:22.460 --> 00:35:25.360
it out loud once and somebody inadvertently could

00:35:25.360 --> 00:35:27.579
not hold in their feeling on it and went, how

00:35:27.579 --> 00:35:30.119
are you, where is that going to come from? And

00:35:30.119 --> 00:35:33.610
I remember looking at her like, excuse me? 140

00:35:33.610 --> 00:35:35.869
is not that hard. But they were like, I don't

00:35:35.869 --> 00:35:37.289
understand how you're going to lose that much

00:35:37.289 --> 00:35:39.869
more weight because technically we're talking

00:35:39.869 --> 00:35:43.550
like 30, 35 more pounds. That's another 30, which

00:35:43.550 --> 00:35:46.150
is a hefty amount, especially for a bariatric

00:35:46.150 --> 00:35:51.170
person. That's a lot. So we'll see. I'm not,

00:35:51.230 --> 00:35:53.909
we'll see. We'll see. And again, nobody told

00:35:53.909 --> 00:35:56.269
me I had to get there. My doctor is not pushing

00:35:56.269 --> 00:35:59.369
me to get there. There will be lifestyle changes

00:35:59.369 --> 00:36:02.969
happening for other reasons that might contribute

00:36:02.969 --> 00:36:06.389
to me getting there, which we'll talk about.

00:36:06.510 --> 00:36:10.210
They don't give you a number. It's not like you

00:36:10.210 --> 00:36:12.289
have surgery and they're like, okay, this is

00:36:12.289 --> 00:36:14.769
where we want you. This is where you're going

00:36:14.769 --> 00:36:17.829
to end up. We do that to ourselves because they

00:36:17.829 --> 00:36:21.590
don't. That's how we torture ourselves. And they're

00:36:21.590 --> 00:36:23.329
not even a fan of it, to be perfectly honest.

00:36:23.389 --> 00:36:24.929
They don't want you to be. No, they totally not.

00:36:25.269 --> 00:36:29.750
No. Well, she said, I remember at the beginning

00:36:29.750 --> 00:36:31.670
of the process, she said, do you have a goal

00:36:31.670 --> 00:36:34.889
weight? And I, I kind of thought like I was going

00:36:34.889 --> 00:36:36.650
to get in trouble for not having one, but I said,

00:36:36.690 --> 00:36:38.570
I'm like, no, I don't, I don't know. And she

00:36:38.570 --> 00:36:42.190
was like, no, that's perfect. And yeah, she's

00:36:42.190 --> 00:36:44.409
like, we don't want you because she goes, everybody's

00:36:44.409 --> 00:36:46.289
different. There's so many things, like we said,

00:36:46.329 --> 00:36:48.309
that contribute to the number on the scale, right?

00:36:48.869 --> 00:36:51.309
Body size, how you carry your weight, water,

00:36:51.369 --> 00:36:53.349
like there's so many different things. So they

00:36:53.349 --> 00:36:56.869
were adamant. They're like, do not. Do not give

00:36:56.869 --> 00:36:59.909
yourself an end goal number. And so I've had

00:36:59.909 --> 00:37:01.230
a lot of people be like, well, how are you going

00:37:01.230 --> 00:37:02.650
to know when you're done if you don't have a

00:37:02.650 --> 00:37:04.969
number? Because if I feel good, I feel good.

00:37:05.329 --> 00:37:07.369
Yeah. And if I look the way I look, I'm going

00:37:07.369 --> 00:37:09.070
to be like, and my body will eventually stop.

00:37:09.190 --> 00:37:10.690
It's not like my body is going to keep me going

00:37:10.690 --> 00:37:13.510
until I know nothing. Like there is no point

00:37:13.510 --> 00:37:15.789
when my body is going to say, okay, you're good.

00:37:16.269 --> 00:37:19.409
Done. And that's the other thing that I have

00:37:19.409 --> 00:37:22.050
to remember because somebody smart did tell me

00:37:22.050 --> 00:37:25.789
this. In bariatric surgery, you... go to your

00:37:25.789 --> 00:37:28.750
lowest and then you gain usually once you hit

00:37:28.750 --> 00:37:31.449
your lowest about 10%. And that's where you actually

00:37:31.449 --> 00:37:34.130
stop for maintenance. So if you're trickling

00:37:34.130 --> 00:37:36.769
a pound or half a pound here and there, you haven't

00:37:36.769 --> 00:37:39.210
done that yet. You'll hit your lowest and then

00:37:39.210 --> 00:37:42.090
you'll gain 10 % after you've hit your lowest.

00:37:42.250 --> 00:37:45.210
And that's actually where you'll stop. So that's,

00:37:45.210 --> 00:37:47.010
it was my mother, but that's where somebody was

00:37:47.010 --> 00:37:50.170
like, are you sure that this isn't just your

00:37:50.170 --> 00:37:53.190
actual like regain? Like, are you sure this is

00:37:53.190 --> 00:37:56.820
regain versus? This is where you're meant to

00:37:56.820 --> 00:38:00.000
level off at. And I was like, I don't know, like,

00:38:00.119 --> 00:38:03.199
I don't want to risk it in case it is regained

00:38:03.199 --> 00:38:05.820
versus the 10 % gain. I was like, I'm just not

00:38:05.820 --> 00:38:09.420
happy with that. So I want to go back. But that's

00:38:09.420 --> 00:38:11.019
the other thing to remember as a patient, you'll

00:38:11.019 --> 00:38:12.760
hit your lowest, but you actually won't stay

00:38:12.760 --> 00:38:15.659
at your lowest. Don't get too excited. Yeah,

00:38:15.679 --> 00:38:18.949
you will gain, they say about 10 to 15%. And

00:38:18.949 --> 00:38:21.750
that's where you'll actually level out. So just

00:38:21.750 --> 00:38:24.030
keep that in mind. And like, maybe I'm fighting

00:38:24.030 --> 00:38:26.210
against something that I can't change because

00:38:26.210 --> 00:38:29.349
I have been honest with Steph and Cass that I've

00:38:29.349 --> 00:38:32.590
gained weight, but my clothes still fit. I'm

00:38:32.590 --> 00:38:35.670
not outgrowing my clothes. There's just been

00:38:35.670 --> 00:38:40.130
weight gain. I'm on antibiotics. I might have

00:38:40.130 --> 00:38:43.690
inflammation. Might have water retention. It

00:38:43.690 --> 00:38:47.519
could be. So make note that I am going to announce

00:38:47.519 --> 00:38:49.719
something soon. And it was not a doctor telling

00:38:49.719 --> 00:38:52.460
me I had to do this for weight reasons. But I

00:38:52.460 --> 00:38:55.219
will be starting on something soon for blood

00:38:55.219 --> 00:38:58.079
sugar reasons that might contribute to weight

00:38:58.079 --> 00:39:01.179
loss. Who knows? But nobody, that's the other

00:39:01.179 --> 00:39:03.179
thing. No medical professional has flagged anything

00:39:03.179 --> 00:39:06.139
wrong with my weight. And my doctor weighs me

00:39:06.139 --> 00:39:07.619
every time I come in because I'm a bariatric

00:39:07.619 --> 00:39:10.719
patient. And I was the one who said to him, so

00:39:10.719 --> 00:39:12.900
I've gained weight. And he's like, yeah. And

00:39:12.900 --> 00:39:14.280
I was like, I'm not happy about this. And he

00:39:14.280 --> 00:39:16.510
was like. okay, well, it's like five pounds.

00:39:16.909 --> 00:39:21.010
At the time it was five. So he was like, it's

00:39:21.010 --> 00:39:22.409
fine. And I was like, yes, but I don't want to

00:39:22.409 --> 00:39:24.190
wake up and have it. He's like, I don't think

00:39:24.190 --> 00:39:25.730
you're the type of person that would let it get,

00:39:25.829 --> 00:39:28.329
you know, that you'd wake up and 50 pounds has

00:39:28.329 --> 00:39:29.929
been gained. And I was like, except for that

00:39:29.929 --> 00:39:31.769
day the scale broke and I thought I gained 10

00:39:31.769 --> 00:39:36.030
and a half pounds overnight. But yeah, comparison,

00:39:36.429 --> 00:39:41.119
fatigue, support fatigue sets in. Ride the wave

00:39:41.119 --> 00:39:42.820
while you can, but get used to the fact that

00:39:42.820 --> 00:39:44.480
eventually you become a normal person where nobody

00:39:44.480 --> 00:39:46.800
really focuses on your weight or your looks or

00:39:46.800 --> 00:39:49.940
celebrates you in the way that you're very, very,

00:39:50.039 --> 00:39:54.440
very. You just become normal. Deal with it. So

00:39:54.440 --> 00:39:59.739
milk it while you can. This was a raw and real

00:39:59.739 --> 00:40:01.679
episode. I think this is things that we're just

00:40:01.679 --> 00:40:03.980
going to talk about more our day to day. What

00:40:03.980 --> 00:40:05.960
we're literally struggling with this week, this

00:40:05.960 --> 00:40:10.619
month, what's going on. where we're at so yeah

00:40:10.619 --> 00:40:14.019
i appreciate this topic and being able to kind

00:40:14.019 --> 00:40:18.280
of share um stay tuned there's there's going

00:40:18.280 --> 00:40:20.380
to be other updates on the the channel the platform

00:40:20.380 --> 00:40:21.920
we have other great things we're going to talk

00:40:21.920 --> 00:40:24.840
about but this was a good one and i hope it helps

00:40:24.840 --> 00:40:28.239
people um hope you like us just being honest

00:40:28.239 --> 00:40:30.780
about what's going on uh we love the comments

00:40:30.780 --> 00:40:34.300
and um i know we've had some comments that Maybe

00:40:34.300 --> 00:40:37.360
we're a bit opinionated or snotty or strong on

00:40:37.360 --> 00:40:39.380
some thoughts. We may have upset a few people,

00:40:39.420 --> 00:40:41.260
but that's okay. We get it. That's all right.

00:40:41.260 --> 00:40:43.340
We're not for everyone and that's okay. We're

00:40:43.340 --> 00:40:46.719
just sharing our authentic stories and what we're

00:40:46.719 --> 00:40:50.280
going through at that moment. Love it. Like always,

00:40:50.400 --> 00:40:53.199
thank you for joining me, Steph, and to all our

00:40:53.199 --> 00:40:55.440
amazing listeners. Thank you for following us

00:40:55.440 --> 00:40:57.960
along week after week. We're happy to still be

00:40:57.960 --> 00:41:00.460
here and we're very, very honored and privileged

00:41:00.460 --> 00:41:04.059
to get to chat with you every week. Agreed. Thanks

00:41:04.059 --> 00:41:06.360
guys. Thanks everybody. Bye.