Ep 21: They Treated Me Better After I Lost Weight—And That Hurt

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Hey, Steph. Hello. Welcome back to another episode

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of Bariatric Banter Podcast. I don't know what

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number it is, but that's awesome. Right. 21?

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Maybe. 21? 21. 21. Yep. Again, we could probably

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look this up. I have to keep like a little counter

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or something on my desk. Right. Yeah. Yeah. 21

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episode 21, which is really exciting. I loved

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our last episode. I think a lot of people really

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kind of enjoyed it. I had a lot of good messages

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of support, which is great. And we've had, we've

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had an influx of people messaging us lately that

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they have found our podcast. They love it. They

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like listening. So welcome to all of our new

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listeners and to everybody returning. We love

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you guys equally as much. Welcome to episode

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21. Our last couple I've really liked. Me too.

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We've kind of found our stride. I was going to

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say, I think we got into like a good groove with

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topics. And I think, I don't know if it's too,

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because I feel like the last couple of topics

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have been more on the vulnerable side. I think

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that's just what people want. Like we want the

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juicy tidbits. We like the drama, the juicy,

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the vulnerable stuff. But I think it's also,

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it's good for the listeners, but I think it's

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also good for us to talk about that kind of stuff

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too. So I've enjoyed the last few for sure. Yeah,

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me too. Me too. Me too. And this one's going

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to be a good one. So this one's a, okay, we say

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this every week, one that we always talk about.

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But this one is actually one that I think I think

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about often when I had just talked to someone

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about. But this week, we want to talk about what

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life is like in a smaller body. I think we talk

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about loose skin and we talk about obesity and

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we talk about how we feel physically after losing

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weight and all that. But I think one thing we

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don't necessarily talk about is less about how

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we feel and more about how we are now treated

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and what life is like living in a smaller, skinnier

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body. Because I think we're now perceived as

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skinnier, right? And I think everybody assumes.

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it's going to be all sunshine and roses and smiles

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once you become senior and that everything's

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just going to be great. And not that there aren't

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great things, but I think there's certain things

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that unless you've gone from one to the other,

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maybe you maybe don't think about or you haven't

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experienced before the jarring difference between

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the two. Yeah. And I think, is it? Is it awesome?

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It is. There's definitely moments. Is there kind

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of like this weird period where you're like,

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this is both cool and I'm kind of sad about these

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realizations? Yes. Is there a creepy part of

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it too? Absolutely. There's a part where like,

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there's definitely been a few times where I'm

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like, oh, real fucking sketched out now. Like

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I used to joke to my mom, like, oh, you don't

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have to worry about me. They don't kidnap the

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fat kid. Can't pick me up. So they're not, you

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know. I'm not going to be the one stolen. Um,

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and that's not funny. I, you know, I, I get it.

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It's, you know, human trafficking is a huge,

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huge problem. Um, but we're not trying to make

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light of that. It's just that I never. Yeah.

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There were some things that just didn't cross

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our mind. No. And like sexual harassment is a

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horrible thing and it doesn't really discriminate,

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but it kind of does. Cause I also never worried.

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I was just about to say, I never worried about

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it. Worried about being sexually assaulted. It

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really would cross my mind, but I think it doesn't

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happen. But especially at like work, I think

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it's a great place to start. I never, and I,

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we work in tech, Steph and I, and tech is notoriously

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misogynistic and full of sexual harassment and

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sexual assaults, which like that needs to be

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addressed. But never once in my life was I concerned

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about sexual harassment at work. No, I remember

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being working at a certain workplace and there

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was always, you kind of know exactly what I know.

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There was always Christmas party, post -Christmas

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party drama, every area. There was always HR

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issues. Somebody get fired for inappropriateness.

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Somebody got this. And I, I was always so oblivious

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to it. I was like, what, what happened? I had

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no idea. And I would come to work and everybody

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would be talking about it. And I was so oblivious.

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to any of it i was like oh i guess i just okay

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it's really funny you said it like that because

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not what i'm about to say is going to be like

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the weirdest thing but i didn't even know about

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it yeah not that like i felt like i should have

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been invited to the party to watch this happen

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or anything but it's like i didn't even know

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because i'm not even in that circle i would come

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to work the next day and there was all like the

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whispers panic and the drama and so and so was

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fired and I was like what are you talking about

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they were going around and touching all these

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people and I was like oh I know oh okay and it's

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not like we're saying oh I wasn't touched so

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thanks so much but like not even on the radar

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we're not in that room that conversation that

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vicinity right like I never had a bubble or a

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filter up where I felt anything was also like

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Like before, and I promise we'll talk about the

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after because we're too much on the before, but

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like before, nobody really flirted with me or

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paid attention or pursued me. I'm sure there

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was like the one or two random times that I just

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wasn't aware because at a certain point, you

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just shut that off completely. Well, you're not

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used to it. You don't even know how to notice

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it, right? I remember my friends being like,

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let's go dancing. Let's go to the bar. And I

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was like, oh. Why? So that I can go and sit there

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and watch you guys all get hit on while I stand

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in the corner. Like, you guys have all your drinks

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for you while I hold the, yeah, exactly. I'll

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hold your jacket while you, like, it was just

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never, it was never a thing that crossed your

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mind. And now that things are switching, you

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become very acutely aware of people looking at

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you versus. Or looking at you differently or

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not looking at you. Normally, that's the weird

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one I think for me is knowing and feeling in

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the past people looking at you because of your

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weight. Yes. But now where they don't even seem

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to notice you because you're quote unquote normal.

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Like when we just traveled, right? I remember

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when I would board an airplane or get on an airplane.

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And people would see like, oh God, is she going

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to sit beside me? And as you would like come

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to the seat, like people's eyes, or if like Devin

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and I sat together and I had to sit beside somebody,

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you could see the look on certain people's faces

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when they'd be like, oh, I have to sit beside

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the fat girl. Right. Whereas now that Devin and

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the girls sat together and I sat by myself on

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the other side. Yeah. And it was so. I mean,

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it was nerve wracking for me because I had never

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sat by myself. I had always squished into the

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corner. Like all of that kind of flying for the

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first time as having lost weight was very exciting,

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but nervous. But the fact that both times people

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didn't seem to care that I was sitting beside

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them. And I kept like waiting for the, like the

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lean where they would lean away for me. Like,

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you know, and. Both times, nobody seemed to care.

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And I was like, oh, this is interesting. Nobody

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gives a shit. Huh. Yeah, it was kind of the opposite,

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where nobody notices you. Yeah. Okay, so I see

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where you're coming from. I think slightly I

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agree now. Give it time. Let's chat again now

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that I'm two years post -op. Yes. kind of I feel

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like there's more attention now and that's kind

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of unnerving for me I think in what you're describing

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I do see I'm not looked at the same way yeah

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so it's less like disdain and judgment that I

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see in people's eyes and it's more just an acknowledgement

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of another human being right it's not a disappointment

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or like oh it's just okay yeah so in that sense

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it is invisible as in like the judgment has gone

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but i would say before when i was obese and i

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didn't you don't know it when you're in it by

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the way you don't you can't but now looking back

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like i was definitely the invisible person like

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not being flirted with not being hit on not being

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looked at uh even just how people interacted

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with you was shorter curder um kind of preconceived

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notions and judgments already creeping in little

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things like Not holding the door for you. I was

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just about to say, do you notice that people

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will wait? I have people now, like if I was going

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into the store and I was a couple feet in front

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of somebody, they wouldn't wait for me to hold

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the door. They would kind of look at me and be

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like, oh, she'll be a while. Is what I assume

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they thought in their head, right? And they'd

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shut the door. But now I notice people will wait

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that extra, you know, eight or nine feet for

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me to get there. And they won't wait for me to

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hold the door open. That I've never been to before.

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No, and so I do notice that now. They'll hold

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the door. They're more kind of polite and friendly

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to you. Not that they were mean to you before,

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but it's almost as if you didn't exist and they

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didn't really want to talk to you or interact

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with you. They kind of just wanted to avoid you

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for no other reason than you're fat. But now

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it's the attention. Like everywhere I go. that's

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me what's the craziest change now there were

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definitely times where i was really excited about

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it like when i first got flirted without like

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and i was like holy shit and i remember thinking

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like it's great and then the second and third

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and fourth and fifth time it happened And it's,

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you know, from people I am not interested in

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having that interaction with. And it got weird.

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And I remember being at the dollar store one

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day with my brother. We were just running in

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to grab Tupperware. we had like leftover food

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at home or something. We were, we just got back

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from like his birthday dinner and we ran in quickly

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to get something. And this guy was just going

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on and on about like, you look so pretty and

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you look so nice and you must've been at a dinner.

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And like, I'm just doing my usual, like, and

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I remember we left and my brother was like, Jesus

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fucking Christ, that guy was rapey. And I was

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like, okay, like I get what you mean, but he's

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like, that was just insane. And I was like, Yeah,

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actually it was like, that was the first time

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I realized I'm no longer 325 pounds. Like, and

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I know I shouldn't have ignored it or not had

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a fear then, but like, I became very aware of

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like, you are a thin woman now out on your own

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with way more male attention on you than you've

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ever had before. You're now considered a desirable

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object. to a lot more people than you were before.

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I get a lot more smile. Like even at the grocery

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store, a lot more eye contact. A lot of smiles

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from people when you go past them. Just more

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feeling seen than not. Which like at the beginning

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is great. And then it definitely takes a turn

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where you're like, wow, my world just got much

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smaller and scarier kind of all at once. Like

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the likelihood, like it does happen. I'm not

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saying like. Being obese, you definitely get

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sexually assaulted and abused because people

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kind of treat us like we're not humans. Like

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it does happen. But the pool of people that were

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going to do that to me was infinitely smaller.

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Now that I've lost 160 plus pounds, that pool

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has like quadrupled overnight. And it has kind

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of made me feel a bit uncomfortable because I

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used to love to go to like. this little nature

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park by my house. And I'm not going to name the

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name. There's a bunch near me, but I used to

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go to like little parks and walkways and stuff,

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even before I had Beau. And I would just go for

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a walk. And I remember my mom being like, I'll

00:12:22.789 --> 00:12:26.409
be careful. And I was like, fuck off. I'm fine.

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It probably wasn't great for me to think that

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way. Now I go and I am very acutely aware that

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like one time I was out, thank God I had Beau.

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I passed three individual men. Yep. Not related,

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but three times, three random individual men

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walking literally by themselves, which men are

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allowed to exercise, but all of them were in

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jeans and like hooded sweaters. We're like, most

00:12:54.659 --> 00:12:57.200
of us are wearing sneakers and leggings, athletic

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shorts, a t -shirt, a hat, like we're out exercising.

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And I've now passed three men that I'm hype.

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super critically scared of you know because they

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make the eye contact and they're smiling and

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it's like I don't want this attention or where

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I don't want this attention so you're still not

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you're just more aware of I I think like I pay

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more attention to what's around me and who's

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out there um because before it was just like

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you said it was just so back of my mind like

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I never not that I never worried about it But

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I just was so like, oh, that would never happen.

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Who's going to who's going to look at her and

00:13:38.440 --> 00:13:41.419
be like, oh, that's somebody I want. Like, it's

00:13:41.419 --> 00:13:45.860
just a different it's a different world for sure.

00:13:46.539 --> 00:13:50.200
And it's it's also I mean, like you said at the

00:13:50.200 --> 00:13:51.840
beginning, it's kind of nice to have all that

00:13:51.840 --> 00:13:54.139
extra attention and have all those extra eyes

00:13:54.139 --> 00:13:57.039
on you and it feels good. But it's also sad,

00:13:57.299 --> 00:14:02.789
like to think of what. people's perception are

00:14:02.789 --> 00:14:06.429
of you now and how quickly that can change and

00:14:06.429 --> 00:14:08.970
the level of judgment because it's people which

00:14:08.970 --> 00:14:11.590
I'm talking a lot about people that are complete

00:14:11.590 --> 00:14:16.070
strangers um and the the judgment people make

00:14:16.070 --> 00:14:20.049
of you in an instant simply based on your physical

00:14:20.049 --> 00:14:25.470
appearance and how drastic the changes over just

00:14:25.470 --> 00:14:28.850
like people weren't being mean to us like I do

00:14:28.850 --> 00:14:32.200
want to This is a bubble that will burst for

00:14:32.200 --> 00:14:35.200
you after you've lost weight. Because I used

00:14:35.200 --> 00:14:37.419
to say, like, I'm not treated badly. I don't

00:14:37.419 --> 00:14:39.320
understand these comments of people being like,

00:14:39.419 --> 00:14:41.759
boy, we treat fat people bad. I was like, I don't

00:14:41.759 --> 00:14:44.019
know. I'm treated well. Nobody harasses me. Nobody

00:14:44.019 --> 00:14:46.759
yells at me. Like, I'm treated fine. And then

00:14:46.759 --> 00:14:51.120
I lost 160 pounds. And I was like, oh, I was

00:14:51.120 --> 00:14:55.899
treated adequately. And now I'm treated with

00:14:55.899 --> 00:14:59.379
what I imagine everyone who wasn't fat. has been

00:14:59.379 --> 00:15:01.940
treated their whole life, which is like super

00:15:01.940 --> 00:15:05.519
nice, super polite opportunity. Like I even feel

00:15:05.519 --> 00:15:08.720
like work is different. I've moved to several

00:15:08.720 --> 00:15:11.200
different companies since surgery, but I, I think

00:15:11.200 --> 00:15:13.820
I, I mean, I honestly feel like I have more opportunities

00:15:13.820 --> 00:15:16.779
open to me to get jobs. I'm treated differently.

00:15:16.960 --> 00:15:21.320
I think. my like authoritativeness and stuff

00:15:21.320 --> 00:15:23.360
like comes across differently now where I don't

00:15:23.360 --> 00:15:26.159
have to be jovial and fat and right because if

00:15:26.159 --> 00:15:28.399
you're fat you're perceived lazy end of period

00:15:28.399 --> 00:15:31.720
end of discussion right oh look at them right

00:15:31.720 --> 00:15:34.820
and it trickles into everything you just must

00:15:34.820 --> 00:15:39.679
be a lazy person period so yeah it's not that

00:15:39.679 --> 00:15:42.279
but there will be a moment where the bubble bursts

00:15:42.279 --> 00:15:44.120
and that's what I meant earlier in the episode

00:15:44.120 --> 00:15:46.860
where I'm like it's both like I'm not gonna lie

00:15:47.440 --> 00:15:49.519
there's a good aspect of it where you're like,

00:15:49.580 --> 00:15:52.379
I don't want to mourn it too much because I kind

00:15:52.379 --> 00:15:54.580
of really like how I'm being treated now, but

00:15:54.580 --> 00:15:56.799
there will be a moment where you're like, this

00:15:56.799 --> 00:15:59.360
is kind of fucked up. And it's weird because

00:15:59.360 --> 00:16:01.340
you're like, I don't know why it's fucked up

00:16:01.340 --> 00:16:04.139
and I can't really articulate why it's fucked

00:16:04.139 --> 00:16:08.019
up, but it's kind of fucked up. Yeah. I think

00:16:08.019 --> 00:16:11.039
it's, I think it's sad. I really do. I think

00:16:11.039 --> 00:16:14.899
because, and the fact that you're so used to

00:16:14.899 --> 00:16:18.549
it being your norm. when you're obese and overweight

00:16:18.549 --> 00:16:21.529
that you just become accustomed to it and you

00:16:21.529 --> 00:16:25.330
and it becomes okay yeah to be treated like that

00:16:25.330 --> 00:16:27.190
and for that to be your normal just be in the

00:16:27.190 --> 00:16:29.509
background to be that background person where

00:16:29.509 --> 00:16:32.210
you don't stand out and you don't you're almost

00:16:32.210 --> 00:16:34.149
you do it to yourself to an extent you don't

00:16:34.149 --> 00:16:35.889
want to stand out you don't want to be at the

00:16:35.889 --> 00:16:37.809
front of photos you don't want to have because

00:16:37.809 --> 00:16:40.070
there's a use to it also right that it just becomes

00:16:40.070 --> 00:16:42.690
a habit like it literally would be my habit when

00:16:42.690 --> 00:16:46.779
a camera came out to step behind people I would

00:16:46.779 --> 00:16:50.500
never even it never even occurred to me to go

00:16:50.500 --> 00:16:54.179
to the front or even like shopping. You walk

00:16:54.179 --> 00:16:57.399
into a store and none of the sales associates.

00:16:57.480 --> 00:17:00.019
So if you've never shopped for plus size clothes,

00:17:00.240 --> 00:17:02.580
they're always at the back. There's always a

00:17:02.580 --> 00:17:06.799
section at the back and like walking into a store

00:17:06.799 --> 00:17:09.640
and none of the sales associates at the front

00:17:09.640 --> 00:17:12.839
of the store. even acknowledge you. They don't

00:17:12.839 --> 00:17:14.839
look at you. They don't make eye contact. They

00:17:14.839 --> 00:17:16.480
just, because they immediately, oh, she's going

00:17:16.480 --> 00:17:19.839
to the back. And now you walk into the store

00:17:19.839 --> 00:17:22.160
and as soon as you open the door, the smile,

00:17:22.160 --> 00:17:27.059
hello, can I help you? How are you? That is one

00:17:27.059 --> 00:17:29.859
that I have definitely noticed right off the

00:17:29.859 --> 00:17:31.900
bat. We haven't even talked about clothing, which

00:17:31.900 --> 00:17:36.039
is kind of fucked up as well, where, okay, you

00:17:36.039 --> 00:17:39.000
got a smaller body now. Several thoughts on this

00:17:39.000 --> 00:17:41.859
one. The amount of times that I take big fucking

00:17:41.859 --> 00:17:43.920
clothing. Oh my God. I didn't want, we were on

00:17:43.920 --> 00:17:46.740
vacation buying a sweater. Okay. You saw, I was

00:17:46.740 --> 00:17:48.279
picking out a dress for the wedding I'm going

00:17:48.279 --> 00:17:50.839
to. Yep. And I kept going into the change room.

00:17:50.940 --> 00:17:54.140
Yep. Pulling in tens and twelves. And my friend

00:17:54.140 --> 00:17:57.000
who was with me was like, these do not look great.

00:17:57.119 --> 00:17:58.480
And I was like, well, you know, we could get

00:17:58.480 --> 00:18:00.960
them tailored or something. She's like, uh, these

00:18:00.960 --> 00:18:04.720
don't fit you. And I was like, my boobs have

00:18:04.720 --> 00:18:07.509
shrunk and that kind of fucking sucks. I got

00:18:07.509 --> 00:18:09.490
itty bitty titties now. Like, what the fuck?

00:18:09.789 --> 00:18:12.029
So I was like, look at these flapjack things.

00:18:12.250 --> 00:18:13.789
So I was a little annoyed about that because

00:18:13.789 --> 00:18:15.829
they did not fit well in the chesticle area.

00:18:16.130 --> 00:18:18.509
But I kept pulling them in. And she's like, I'm

00:18:18.509 --> 00:18:19.990
getting you an eight. And I was like, oh, it's

00:18:19.990 --> 00:18:21.029
going to be tight. And I'm going to look here.

00:18:21.910 --> 00:18:24.329
Eights fit great. And the annoying thing about

00:18:24.329 --> 00:18:26.670
clothes shopping that came to fruition on this

00:18:26.670 --> 00:18:28.890
one was, A, they're super fucking attentive to

00:18:28.890 --> 00:18:30.329
you now. Hey, how you doing? How you doing? Want

00:18:30.329 --> 00:18:31.730
me to bring anything? Oh, that looks so good.

00:18:31.769 --> 00:18:33.509
Come on out. We want to see it. Like, they want

00:18:33.509 --> 00:18:37.900
you to model it and walk around the floor. I

00:18:37.900 --> 00:18:40.460
was coming out and taking pictures and like I,

00:18:40.539 --> 00:18:43.500
you know, having a great time. And I was laughing

00:18:43.500 --> 00:18:45.740
about how good it fit and I was complaining because

00:18:45.740 --> 00:18:47.960
there was a dress there I wanted that they did

00:18:47.960 --> 00:18:50.000
not have in an eight. They only had it in a goddamn

00:18:50.000 --> 00:18:52.059
four. And I was like, but it's so great. And

00:18:52.059 --> 00:18:54.059
I think it would be perfect. And my friend was

00:18:54.059 --> 00:18:55.259
like, well, you should just try it on to see

00:18:55.259 --> 00:18:56.920
if it actually looks good on you. And then we

00:18:56.920 --> 00:18:59.240
could order the eight. And I was like, are you

00:18:59.240 --> 00:19:02.859
like insane? Like, are you listening to me? Because

00:19:02.859 --> 00:19:06.220
when you're obese, the difference in sizes. is

00:19:06.220 --> 00:19:08.640
huge and i don't mean that insultingly i mean

00:19:08.640 --> 00:19:12.339
literally if you're like a 2xl you're not squeezing

00:19:12.339 --> 00:19:15.279
in to a zero like it's just not happening no

00:19:15.279 --> 00:19:17.700
like if it's just not gonna happen she's like

00:19:17.700 --> 00:19:19.519
we'll just pull it up we'll leave the back open

00:19:19.519 --> 00:19:23.200
and we'll see if it fits we pulled it on yeah

00:19:23.200 --> 00:19:25.740
and i basically got the zipper almost right up

00:19:25.740 --> 00:19:29.400
and like now you know still didn't close but

00:19:29.400 --> 00:19:32.660
definitely not to the extent of but i just kind

00:19:32.660 --> 00:19:35.230
of stood there and was like so I could probably

00:19:35.230 --> 00:19:37.529
wear a six in this dress if it was here. Like

00:19:37.529 --> 00:19:39.410
it was so surreal. And she just kind of looked

00:19:39.410 --> 00:19:41.369
at me and I was like, I'm pissed off about this.

00:19:41.410 --> 00:19:44.910
Just so you know, this is, this is insane. This

00:19:44.910 --> 00:19:47.730
is why people have fucking issues. Like I'm trying

00:19:47.730 --> 00:19:50.450
on eights and I'm standing here and I'll post

00:19:50.450 --> 00:19:54.910
this on Instagram in a four. And it, it kind

00:19:54.910 --> 00:19:57.089
of went up and then just, I couldn't get it over

00:19:57.089 --> 00:19:59.730
the shoulder blades closed. And I was, and she's

00:19:59.730 --> 00:20:01.880
like, don't ruin the day and i was like i can't

00:20:01.880 --> 00:20:05.079
help it this is so infuriating like and i again

00:20:05.079 --> 00:20:08.180
i can't really articulate why i'm so angry but

00:20:08.180 --> 00:20:11.319
i was really upset about that yeah and then i

00:20:11.319 --> 00:20:14.220
felt really bad because here i am complaining

00:20:14.220 --> 00:20:17.380
about how stupid this is and this lovely woman

00:20:17.380 --> 00:20:20.460
comes out of the stall beside us and she goes

00:20:20.460 --> 00:20:22.619
can you guys help me zip this up and we said

00:20:22.619 --> 00:20:25.609
yeah of course yeah she looked fucking stunning

00:20:25.609 --> 00:20:28.109
in this beautiful black dress with like this

00:20:28.109 --> 00:20:31.730
open frilly like off the shoulder and um she

00:20:31.730 --> 00:20:33.529
just had no one with her so we helped her zip

00:20:33.529 --> 00:20:36.210
it up so I held it in Michaela zipped it and

00:20:36.210 --> 00:20:38.170
she was like oh yeah I guess I should order a

00:20:38.170 --> 00:20:40.269
bigger size it takes two of you guys to get me

00:20:40.269 --> 00:20:42.690
into this and we both stopped and went are you

00:20:42.690 --> 00:20:45.529
fucking kidding you look stunning in this dress

00:20:45.529 --> 00:20:48.670
she's like well it's a size 16 and I shouldn't

00:20:48.670 --> 00:20:50.750
be wearing it and I'm gonna need to get a bigger

00:20:50.750 --> 00:20:54.089
size and we said go look in the you stop that

00:20:54.089 --> 00:20:56.809
right now I said look at the mirror I said look

00:20:56.809 --> 00:21:00.109
how good this looks on you I said who cares I

00:21:00.109 --> 00:21:02.369
had to help have her help me zip it up but I

00:21:02.369 --> 00:21:06.569
just I could see I so much because that's what

00:21:06.569 --> 00:21:08.349
it would be like right if my mom were to help

00:21:08.349 --> 00:21:10.569
me zip a dress up I would immediately shut down

00:21:10.569 --> 00:21:13.289
I'd get super I'm getting so emotional I'd get

00:21:13.289 --> 00:21:15.470
so cranky and I'd go I don't want to be here

00:21:15.470 --> 00:21:18.089
anymore I want to go home it ruins my mind everything

00:21:18.650 --> 00:21:20.589
I shouldn't need help zipping up a dress. And

00:21:20.589 --> 00:21:22.869
I, like, I could have cried for her because here

00:21:22.869 --> 00:21:25.329
I am bitching about a size four, like a fucking

00:21:25.329 --> 00:21:28.450
asshole. And, you know, she's over here probably

00:21:28.450 --> 00:21:31.089
not wanting to come out of the change room. She

00:21:31.089 --> 00:21:35.390
looked gorgeous. She looked so good in this dress.

00:21:35.470 --> 00:21:39.730
And I was like, dress zippers are bullshit. Just

00:21:39.730 --> 00:21:41.769
so you know, they're so fucking hard to zip up

00:21:41.769 --> 00:21:43.589
and some have buttons and blah, blah, blah. And

00:21:43.589 --> 00:21:47.049
they're cheap -ass quality zippers. Yes, get

00:21:47.049 --> 00:21:50.660
the dress. She did get the dress and I'm so happy

00:21:50.660 --> 00:21:53.960
she did, but I just like, it was such a weird,

00:21:54.019 --> 00:21:57.180
it was so weird. And even my friend after was

00:21:57.180 --> 00:21:59.779
like weird experience for you. And I was like,

00:21:59.779 --> 00:22:02.299
yeah, I felt angry for her because she looked

00:22:02.299 --> 00:22:06.079
beautiful. And all she could focus on was the

00:22:06.079 --> 00:22:09.519
size. And then there's. Right. And how it gets

00:22:09.519 --> 00:22:12.779
so ingrained in your head. We went and wanted

00:22:12.779 --> 00:22:15.220
to buy a sweater when we were on our trip. And

00:22:15.220 --> 00:22:17.400
I'd looked at it a few times. And I was like,

00:22:17.920 --> 00:22:21.660
Right? I love it. And I debated, I debated, I

00:22:21.660 --> 00:22:22.700
debated. And then finally he was like, hang on,

00:22:22.799 --> 00:22:25.259
I'm going to go buy it. But my first instinct

00:22:25.259 --> 00:22:28.180
when I went into the store was, ooh, I really

00:22:28.180 --> 00:22:30.900
like that color. They won't have my size. Like

00:22:30.900 --> 00:22:33.440
right off the bat. Because it's a standard souvenir

00:22:33.440 --> 00:22:36.720
shop. They're not going to carry plus size. And

00:22:36.720 --> 00:22:38.480
then it took me a minute and I was like, shit.

00:22:39.299 --> 00:22:43.000
Okay, Steph, you don't wear a 2 or a 3X anymore.

00:22:43.200 --> 00:22:48.319
Like stop for a second. Chill out. So I went

00:22:48.319 --> 00:22:51.880
and we looked and I grabbed it. I went through

00:22:51.880 --> 00:22:55.240
and I immediately went to the back. Oh no. Always

00:22:55.240 --> 00:22:58.500
go to the back of the rack. And then I found,

00:22:58.579 --> 00:23:01.960
I took the large and I had like a, a t -shirt

00:23:01.960 --> 00:23:03.220
and a tank top on and they had a little fitting

00:23:03.220 --> 00:23:05.339
room. So I went in, I put it on and I came out

00:23:05.339 --> 00:23:08.940
and I thought it was fine. I was like, yep, I've

00:23:08.940 --> 00:23:11.160
been wearing a large. It's all good. And Devin

00:23:11.160 --> 00:23:13.039
looks at me and goes, it's too big. And I was

00:23:13.039 --> 00:23:14.660
like, no, I was like, I want it a little bit

00:23:14.660 --> 00:23:17.220
baggy. Because it's like a signature. Like, I

00:23:17.220 --> 00:23:18.640
want to be a warm and cozy company. And he goes,

00:23:18.720 --> 00:23:21.319
Steph, it's too big. And I looked at him, I said,

00:23:21.380 --> 00:23:23.140
Devin, no, it's not. And he looks at me, he goes,

00:23:23.240 --> 00:23:27.240
Steph, you've lost a hundred pounds. It's too

00:23:27.240 --> 00:23:32.220
big. And he started pulling at it. And he's like,

00:23:32.240 --> 00:23:34.480
it's, and he was like pulling at something. And

00:23:34.480 --> 00:23:36.640
he looks at me, he goes, it's not there anymore.

00:23:37.740 --> 00:23:41.359
And I was like. Okay, fine. So he goes, just

00:23:41.359 --> 00:23:43.960
try on a medium. And I went over and the whole

00:23:43.960 --> 00:23:45.539
time, it's not going to fit. I don't want to

00:23:45.539 --> 00:23:47.299
put it on because then I'm going to be discouraged

00:23:47.299 --> 00:23:48.819
that I couldn't fit into the medium and it's

00:23:48.819 --> 00:23:51.940
going to be too tight. And the whole time I'm

00:23:51.940 --> 00:23:53.700
in there switching, I'm just mumbling to him

00:23:53.700 --> 00:23:55.140
outside the door. And I was like, this is stupid.

00:23:55.140 --> 00:23:57.980
I'm just going to buy the large. And as I'm mumbling,

00:23:58.220 --> 00:24:00.880
I'm not paying attention and I put it on and

00:24:00.880 --> 00:24:04.259
it fits like perfect. And it still has room and

00:24:04.259 --> 00:24:07.480
it's still baggy. And I stood there for a minute

00:24:07.480 --> 00:24:11.490
and I was like, holy shit. I just put it. First

00:24:11.490 --> 00:24:14.390
of all, I just put on a medium. First of all.

00:24:14.529 --> 00:24:17.710
Right. Yeah. And so I opened it up and I looked

00:24:17.710 --> 00:24:20.170
at him and he looks at me and he goes, it's still

00:24:20.170 --> 00:24:24.170
a little baggy. First of all, I'm not going past

00:24:24.170 --> 00:24:27.809
a medium. No. Yeah. I'm like, second of all,

00:24:27.829 --> 00:24:29.769
I was like, okay, it's got a, it's got room,

00:24:29.930 --> 00:24:33.490
but it's still fitted. It's not like baggy, but

00:24:33.490 --> 00:24:35.710
it literally like I had to stand there for a

00:24:35.710 --> 00:24:38.140
good couple minutes. And he came around the corner.

00:24:38.200 --> 00:24:39.619
He's like, are you okay? And I was like, I just

00:24:39.619 --> 00:24:41.640
need a minute. And he's like, what? I'm like,

00:24:41.819 --> 00:24:45.720
I just need a minute. But it's true. Like you

00:24:45.720 --> 00:24:50.779
get so fixated on the old self and the fact that

00:24:50.779 --> 00:24:52.720
like when he said, he's like, Steph, it's not

00:24:52.720 --> 00:24:54.660
there anymore. And at first I was like, what?

00:24:54.700 --> 00:24:56.920
And he's like, the fat is not there anymore.

00:24:57.380 --> 00:24:59.700
He's like, you don't have to cover it. Like stop

00:24:59.700 --> 00:25:04.160
covering things. And I was like, oh shit. And

00:25:04.160 --> 00:25:05.880
then the fact that, yeah, like the fact that

00:25:05.880 --> 00:25:10.599
I could. grab off the rack that I put a medium

00:25:10.599 --> 00:25:14.759
on and still have it cover everything that I

00:25:14.759 --> 00:25:19.099
wanted covered. But that mental, that mental

00:25:19.099 --> 00:25:23.660
shift of your body is not the same. And the space

00:25:23.660 --> 00:25:26.299
that you used to take up, you don't take up anymore.

00:25:26.559 --> 00:25:30.799
Yep. And it's like hard to get to, it's hard

00:25:30.799 --> 00:25:34.359
to switch your mentality and to see the new.

00:25:35.049 --> 00:25:37.549
version of yourself and the new space you take

00:25:37.549 --> 00:25:42.049
up or don't take up it's very hard to wrap your

00:25:42.049 --> 00:25:45.009
head around I think there's a fear as well yeah

00:25:45.009 --> 00:25:47.650
I would say like from I went through what you

00:25:47.650 --> 00:25:49.950
went through at that time frame and like it gets

00:25:49.950 --> 00:25:51.829
really fun like you're you're actually about

00:25:51.829 --> 00:25:54.490
to hit the peak fun there's a bell curve you're

00:25:54.490 --> 00:25:56.890
about to hit the peak fun where you're like I

00:25:56.890 --> 00:25:59.049
actually want to shop now I can go to every store

00:25:59.049 --> 00:26:01.690
like and it's awesome like oh my god the fun

00:26:01.690 --> 00:26:04.460
and the joy that you have Especially when you

00:26:04.460 --> 00:26:06.119
go to put something on now and you're like, I

00:26:06.119 --> 00:26:10.259
need a smaller size. And then I think you hit

00:26:10.259 --> 00:26:12.819
a curve where everything that goes up comes down,

00:26:12.880 --> 00:26:16.279
where there's now a fear. And it's almost like

00:26:16.279 --> 00:26:19.519
I feel like I shouldn't have been happy and I

00:26:19.519 --> 00:26:22.140
shouldn't have been joyful because I'm going

00:26:22.140 --> 00:26:24.960
to lose it all. And I'm working on this in therapy.

00:26:25.039 --> 00:26:27.180
Go to therapy, people. It's amazing. But I'm

00:26:27.180 --> 00:26:31.500
working on this humongous fear that I shouldn't

00:26:31.500 --> 00:26:33.380
have shared all this information and rubbed it

00:26:33.380 --> 00:26:35.559
in. I wasn't rubbing in anyone's face, but this

00:26:35.559 --> 00:26:37.220
is what goes through my mind. I shouldn't have

00:26:37.220 --> 00:26:38.660
shared any of these thoughts. I shouldn't have

00:26:38.660 --> 00:26:41.940
rubbed. I shouldn't, I shouldn't get used to

00:26:41.940 --> 00:26:44.440
this because it's all going to go away. It's

00:26:44.440 --> 00:26:45.940
all going to disappear. And I'm going to go back

00:26:45.940 --> 00:26:48.519
to being fat again. And, um, you know, what a

00:26:48.519 --> 00:26:50.420
horrible trick to play on me to show me what

00:26:50.420 --> 00:26:52.200
life could be like, and it's going to go away.

00:26:52.319 --> 00:26:55.720
And, you know, it's not, I take very good, decent

00:26:55.720 --> 00:26:58.240
steps to make sure it doesn't, but it was a fear

00:26:58.240 --> 00:27:00.880
that kind of all of a sudden comes because there

00:27:00.880 --> 00:27:04.000
is going to be a day. that I pull a six or an

00:27:04.000 --> 00:27:06.920
eight into a change room and it doesn't fit.

00:27:07.039 --> 00:27:09.319
Like it just happens. A, the store that I go

00:27:09.319 --> 00:27:11.539
to could just be bullshit. Every store is different

00:27:11.539 --> 00:27:13.640
in sizing. I don't know. Maybe I'll gain a couple

00:27:13.640 --> 00:27:15.940
of pounds here and there, but there will be a

00:27:15.940 --> 00:27:21.819
day. And I think that I haven't dealt with that

00:27:21.819 --> 00:27:24.299
internally. And my therapist does a great job

00:27:24.299 --> 00:27:28.150
of saying like what we resist. persists, which

00:27:28.150 --> 00:27:30.650
was mainly in her communication to me about anxiety

00:27:30.650 --> 00:27:32.789
and stuff that I avoid at work. But she was like,

00:27:32.890 --> 00:27:34.829
anything that you try to just like shove away

00:27:34.829 --> 00:27:37.630
and think that it's coming back, it has not vanished.

00:27:37.670 --> 00:27:41.289
It's there. And so I haven't really thought about

00:27:41.289 --> 00:27:43.670
any of my issues with gaining weight or with

00:27:43.670 --> 00:27:45.529
weight or like, it's just like it melted off

00:27:45.529 --> 00:27:47.329
and life is great. And I'm so fucking happy and

00:27:47.329 --> 00:27:50.250
woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. And then two years comes

00:27:50.250 --> 00:27:52.789
and you get a swift kick in the teeth. And it's

00:27:52.789 --> 00:27:55.079
like. What if I gain this all back right now?

00:27:55.119 --> 00:27:56.740
I'm eating a lot more than I used to be able

00:27:56.740 --> 00:27:59.240
to. Am I exercising as much as I should? And

00:27:59.240 --> 00:28:01.680
there will come a point that I grab a size that

00:28:01.680 --> 00:28:04.599
should fit and that size does not fit. And I

00:28:04.599 --> 00:28:06.519
don't think I'm mentally prepared to handle that

00:28:06.519 --> 00:28:10.500
because when you're obese, that is monumental.

00:28:10.799 --> 00:28:13.380
That is the worst feeling. When the size you

00:28:13.380 --> 00:28:15.700
were for so long all of a sudden doesn't fit

00:28:15.700 --> 00:28:19.049
and it's gone up. That is like your worst. and

00:28:19.049 --> 00:28:21.390
I know that people feel this too and please don't

00:28:21.390 --> 00:28:24.970
get me wrong but to me right now it's not as

00:28:24.970 --> 00:28:26.730
hard to be like well I'm not an eight anymore

00:28:26.730 --> 00:28:29.150
I guess I'm a nine or I guess I'm a ten there's

00:28:29.150 --> 00:28:32.869
such a psychological fuck when you're like cool

00:28:32.869 --> 00:28:37.869
I'm a 2x now fuck 24 I was like 22 for a year

00:28:37.869 --> 00:28:39.609
and a half and all of a sudden now I needed the

00:28:39.609 --> 00:28:45.309
24 it's such a kick to the gut yeah it is so

00:28:45.309 --> 00:28:47.980
there's there's a lot of good that comes from

00:28:47.980 --> 00:28:49.880
losing weight like don't get me wrong I love

00:28:49.880 --> 00:28:54.480
shopping now the fact that I can go and that's

00:28:54.480 --> 00:28:58.079
the other thing that go anywhere like if I could

00:28:58.079 --> 00:29:01.480
give advice to people listening there's a world

00:29:01.480 --> 00:29:03.420
that you can get sucked into where you mourn

00:29:03.420 --> 00:29:07.160
everything where you mourn the loss of food where

00:29:07.160 --> 00:29:10.960
you're gonna mourn how you used to be treated

00:29:12.509 --> 00:29:14.710
you could stay there forever it kind of reminds

00:29:14.710 --> 00:29:16.190
me of never ending story like you want to be

00:29:16.190 --> 00:29:18.609
stuck in the pit of despair like just go ahead

00:29:18.609 --> 00:29:21.190
and sit there so there are definitely times where

00:29:21.190 --> 00:29:23.549
I could I could say it's not fair that I couldn't

00:29:23.549 --> 00:29:25.490
go to any store I wanted and it's not fair and

00:29:25.490 --> 00:29:27.910
stuff and like I get that that's not fair but

00:29:27.910 --> 00:29:30.829
I also want to remind myself that like I'm allowed

00:29:30.829 --> 00:29:35.289
to celebrate though yeah and I'm not celebrating

00:29:35.289 --> 00:29:37.549
and putting anyone down I'm not celebrating and

00:29:37.549 --> 00:29:40.920
holding fat acceptance behind like there's so

00:29:40.920 --> 00:29:42.339
many thoughts that go through your head when

00:29:42.339 --> 00:29:44.079
you celebrate that you can shop anywhere now

00:29:44.079 --> 00:29:46.519
and you almost feel guilty at least I do when

00:29:46.519 --> 00:29:48.960
I'm like I can shop anywhere now and it's awesome

00:29:48.960 --> 00:29:51.119
and there's a little voice in my head that goes

00:29:51.119 --> 00:29:52.740
yeah well what about all the people that can't

00:29:52.740 --> 00:29:55.079
and this you know this is bullshit that other

00:29:55.079 --> 00:29:58.009
people can't and I don't disagree, but I also

00:29:58.009 --> 00:30:00.109
have to try to remind myself that like, I have

00:30:00.109 --> 00:30:04.029
to celebrate my wins. I have to enjoy this life.

00:30:06.069 --> 00:30:08.069
It's true. It's funny you say that because when

00:30:08.069 --> 00:30:10.529
I went shopping for jeans for the first time,

00:30:10.529 --> 00:30:14.130
um, after surgery, because I just, the, that

00:30:14.130 --> 00:30:16.069
skinny pair that you keep in the drawer for one

00:30:16.069 --> 00:30:20.470
day and that pair became too big and I was excited

00:30:20.470 --> 00:30:23.750
to go shopping. But then it was funny because

00:30:23.750 --> 00:30:26.250
I was at the back of the store in the plus size

00:30:26.250 --> 00:30:28.470
section and there were some other ladies back

00:30:28.470 --> 00:30:30.809
there. And I remember I tried on a couple pair

00:30:30.809 --> 00:30:32.609
and it's like, you know, you get the big size

00:30:32.609 --> 00:30:34.150
and then it's too big. And then you go down a

00:30:34.150 --> 00:30:36.430
size and then it's too big. And I got to the

00:30:36.430 --> 00:30:39.190
point where the sizes I was grabbing at the back

00:30:39.190 --> 00:30:43.630
were all too big. And I thought, holy shit, like

00:30:43.630 --> 00:30:48.710
I can go to the front. But then walking to the

00:30:48.710 --> 00:30:52.160
front past. the other women who had just seen

00:30:52.160 --> 00:30:54.099
me take all those clothes in there and come back

00:30:54.099 --> 00:30:56.140
and now be like, Ooh, look at me. I'm going to

00:30:56.140 --> 00:30:59.559
the front. I felt bad for being so happy and

00:30:59.559 --> 00:31:03.299
excited to go to the front because I felt like

00:31:03.299 --> 00:31:06.220
I shouldn't be there. It was like imposter syndrome.

00:31:06.259 --> 00:31:08.339
Like I felt like I didn't belong. I felt like

00:31:08.339 --> 00:31:12.640
I shouldn't be there. And you're almost, it's

00:31:12.640 --> 00:31:15.259
like you're mourning, you're mourning yourself.

00:31:15.339 --> 00:31:17.799
You're mourning the version of you who you have

00:31:17.799 --> 00:31:22.269
known. For so long, who you have become almost,

00:31:22.349 --> 00:31:26.289
I'll say, complacent with and who you became

00:31:26.289 --> 00:31:31.410
so good at hiding and just being. Complacent

00:31:31.410 --> 00:31:35.549
and OK with where you are. And I think you have

00:31:35.549 --> 00:31:38.710
to you have to find out who you who am I really.

00:31:38.890 --> 00:31:43.259
Right. Like now that I've shed. this weight oh

00:31:43.259 --> 00:31:46.619
boy who who am I really like do I really like

00:31:46.619 --> 00:31:49.000
all black clothing or did I just wear that because

00:31:49.000 --> 00:31:51.019
I was stupid and thought that it made me look

00:31:51.019 --> 00:31:55.460
skinny yep do I really like this do I really

00:31:55.460 --> 00:31:58.539
am I really comfortable in this like I flying

00:31:58.539 --> 00:32:02.180
would only wear tights well once I once I finally

00:32:02.180 --> 00:32:03.839
wore tights I went a long time without wearing

00:32:03.839 --> 00:32:05.140
tights because I thought fat people couldn't

00:32:05.140 --> 00:32:07.940
wear tights um and then I wore tights and I remember

00:32:07.940 --> 00:32:09.759
for work I would travel and be like hey I'm flying

00:32:09.759 --> 00:32:14.420
I gotta put tights on And now I wear jeans more

00:32:14.420 --> 00:32:17.579
than I wear tights, which is unheard of. All

00:32:17.579 --> 00:32:20.519
the time. I flew and traveled in jeans. And I

00:32:20.519 --> 00:32:21.799
remember sitting on the plane looking down at

00:32:21.799 --> 00:32:24.759
myself being like, who are you? Like, this is

00:32:24.759 --> 00:32:28.660
not, it's cool. Yeah, but who are you? Because

00:32:28.660 --> 00:32:31.160
never would you have gone on a four -hour flight

00:32:31.160 --> 00:32:36.220
in jeans. So it's exciting and it's fun, but

00:32:36.220 --> 00:32:38.660
it's also kind of scary. Because who you thought

00:32:38.660 --> 00:32:41.849
you were, you're now questioning. a lot of a

00:32:41.849 --> 00:32:46.289
lot of that and there's like you raised a good

00:32:46.289 --> 00:32:49.630
point about like walking past people um because

00:32:49.630 --> 00:32:51.769
like we obviously went back there because in

00:32:51.769 --> 00:32:56.269
our mind um that's where we needed to be right

00:32:56.269 --> 00:33:00.210
but all other people see is a fundamentally skinny

00:33:00.210 --> 00:33:02.930
person coming into a section that it's like what

00:33:02.930 --> 00:33:05.140
the fuck are you doing in this section And then

00:33:05.140 --> 00:33:06.980
you sniff around the section and then you fuck

00:33:06.980 --> 00:33:08.680
off back to the section you're supposed to be

00:33:08.680 --> 00:33:11.359
in. And all I can think about, and it's hilarious

00:33:11.359 --> 00:33:14.500
because we go from being obese where we're like,

00:33:14.500 --> 00:33:15.920
everybody's looking at us and thinking we're

00:33:15.920 --> 00:33:19.500
fat slobs to me thinking those women are going

00:33:19.500 --> 00:33:21.460
to think I'm a stuck up fucking bitch. Right.

00:33:21.539 --> 00:33:23.140
Like they're going to think that I'm making fun

00:33:23.140 --> 00:33:25.579
of them or that. And like, I do, that's how I

00:33:25.579 --> 00:33:28.640
feel when I'm in there where I'm like, I'm not

00:33:28.640 --> 00:33:30.240
allowed to be excited that I found something

00:33:30.240 --> 00:33:33.799
small because. They are thinking this skinny

00:33:33.799 --> 00:33:37.059
bitch. Because I remember being obese and thinking,

00:33:37.119 --> 00:33:39.920
why are you back in this section? Oh my God.

00:33:39.960 --> 00:33:42.579
I would judge people for that all the time. Be

00:33:42.579 --> 00:33:47.319
like, you are. Or when I'd overhear them complaining

00:33:47.319 --> 00:33:51.339
that like, they only have, they only have mediums.

00:33:51.339 --> 00:33:53.119
There's no smalls left. And I'd be like, what

00:33:53.119 --> 00:33:58.299
a hard section. This is my section. And now,

00:33:58.299 --> 00:34:00.519
you know, now I'm on that person. Like there

00:34:00.519 --> 00:34:03.269
was. And it was funny because my mom, God bless

00:34:03.269 --> 00:34:05.630
her, laughed about it. But we were out somewhere

00:34:05.630 --> 00:34:07.990
and I was like, oh, like I didn't even mean to

00:34:07.990 --> 00:34:10.929
do it. I didn't. But I went, oh, all they have

00:34:10.929 --> 00:34:13.269
left is plus sizes. Like there's nothing my size.

00:34:13.469 --> 00:34:15.630
And she was like, Jesus Christ, Hannah, say it

00:34:15.630 --> 00:34:18.090
a little louder. And I was like, oh, you know,

00:34:18.110 --> 00:34:20.909
like I laughed a little in the car. And I was

00:34:20.909 --> 00:34:23.550
like, that is so fucking mean of me to have said

00:34:23.550 --> 00:34:25.769
that. And I didn't mean it against any. I just

00:34:25.769 --> 00:34:27.909
meant like I couldn't. There was nothing on the

00:34:27.909 --> 00:34:30.130
sales rack that I could buy. I just wanted to

00:34:30.130 --> 00:34:33.230
do. But now that's what goes through your head,

00:34:33.349 --> 00:34:35.329
right? It's like there's still joy. We're not

00:34:35.329 --> 00:34:37.530
focusing on all the good things. There's still

00:34:37.530 --> 00:34:41.050
joy in this body. And I feel guilty sometimes

00:34:41.050 --> 00:34:43.630
saying how happy I am to be skinny because I'm

00:34:43.630 --> 00:34:46.190
going to be very honest with you. I much prefer

00:34:46.190 --> 00:34:48.710
the way I'm treated now. I much prefer being

00:34:48.710 --> 00:34:50.989
able to shop anywhere I want to shop. I love

00:34:50.989 --> 00:34:52.889
being able to order from any store and order

00:34:52.889 --> 00:34:56.320
these sizes. However. What has come with that

00:34:56.320 --> 00:34:58.840
is way more unwanted attention than I've ever

00:34:58.840 --> 00:35:01.340
been comfortable with. I'm actually almost treated

00:35:01.340 --> 00:35:04.360
more stupidly than I have before as if they think

00:35:04.360 --> 00:35:08.139
I'm just kind of a vapid idiot versus when I

00:35:08.139 --> 00:35:09.820
was fat and they didn't look at me attractively,

00:35:09.860 --> 00:35:11.599
they had to listen to what I was saying. I'm

00:35:11.599 --> 00:35:14.710
kind of treated like an idiot now. Kind of bothers

00:35:14.710 --> 00:35:17.070
me, to be very honest with you. I'm followed

00:35:17.070 --> 00:35:19.110
and have more attention now than I do not like.

00:35:19.110 --> 00:35:21.469
I get random people coming into messages or saying

00:35:21.469 --> 00:35:23.769
really creepy fucking things to me. I'm glad

00:35:23.769 --> 00:35:28.369
I have Beau. I'm very glad I have Beau. And there's

00:35:28.369 --> 00:35:31.829
guilt. It's almost like, I guess I'll say survivor's

00:35:31.829 --> 00:35:34.550
guilt, but boy, the guilt that I put on myself.

00:35:35.320 --> 00:35:37.699
I had a really wonderful friend reach out about

00:35:37.699 --> 00:35:40.300
the comment I made about donating clothes. In

00:35:40.300 --> 00:35:42.619
one of our later episodes, I said like, I felt

00:35:42.619 --> 00:35:46.179
so bad offering my clothes to my friends after

00:35:46.179 --> 00:35:48.260
I lost weight because I thought they felt like

00:35:48.260 --> 00:35:50.480
I was saying they were fat. Right. And he reached

00:35:50.480 --> 00:35:52.880
out and was like, you should never feel bad about

00:35:52.880 --> 00:35:55.719
that. Like you are like, there is nothing wrong

00:35:55.719 --> 00:35:59.159
with what you did. I felt so awkward messaging

00:35:59.159 --> 00:36:02.460
people. there's so much guilt that I have about

00:36:02.460 --> 00:36:04.980
celebrating, finding something in my size or

00:36:04.980 --> 00:36:07.000
being in that dress store and complaining that

00:36:07.000 --> 00:36:09.679
they didn't have an eight. Oh my God. And the

00:36:09.679 --> 00:36:12.260
fur wouldn't close all the way. Like, cause I

00:36:12.260 --> 00:36:14.980
would have hated those women. And then there's

00:36:14.980 --> 00:36:17.039
guilt that I don't know what my body looks like.

00:36:17.059 --> 00:36:19.460
So I do go and grab the wrong sizes. Totally.

00:36:19.539 --> 00:36:22.679
I know what fat Hannah would have done. Fat Hannah

00:36:22.679 --> 00:36:25.920
would have been a miserable that she was shopping.

00:36:26.219 --> 00:36:29.789
Miserable. And she would have had one. I would

00:36:29.789 --> 00:36:31.969
have had one size that I could have chosen from

00:36:31.969 --> 00:36:34.230
that they probably didn't have. And I would have

00:36:34.230 --> 00:36:37.409
seen this woman complaining that, oh, she's actually

00:36:37.409 --> 00:36:40.449
a size 8, not a size 10. You know, punch her

00:36:40.449 --> 00:36:42.610
in the face. Right? And the thing is, though,

00:36:42.690 --> 00:36:47.090
I don't see this body. I can't see what I look

00:36:47.090 --> 00:36:49.150
like. My friend kept saying when we were on vacation,

00:36:49.409 --> 00:36:52.039
because she helped me dress shop. oh my god like

00:36:52.039 --> 00:36:53.840
you're really skinny and I was like shut the

00:36:53.840 --> 00:36:56.219
fuck up no I'm not I'm bloated as fuck I just

00:36:56.219 --> 00:36:58.739
ate a cinnamon I'm fat as shit she was like no

00:36:58.739 --> 00:37:00.760
you're not listening like you're you're really

00:37:00.760 --> 00:37:02.980
skinny and I was like first of all I'm a size

00:37:02.980 --> 00:37:06.280
you don't see it as fuck son I'm like I don't

00:37:06.280 --> 00:37:10.320
see it so I'm probably probably able to wear

00:37:10.320 --> 00:37:12.460
clothing that's probably smaller than I am right

00:37:12.460 --> 00:37:16.820
now sure but I The guilt that I feel when people

00:37:16.820 --> 00:37:19.239
see me take a size that's not my right size.

00:37:19.519 --> 00:37:21.719
Because I know what I would have been like as

00:37:21.719 --> 00:37:23.340
an obese person. I would have been like, oh my

00:37:23.340 --> 00:37:25.539
God, get this skinny fucking idiot out of here.

00:37:25.539 --> 00:37:27.320
Look at her trying on a size 12. Who does she

00:37:27.320 --> 00:37:31.320
think? I felt like an idiot when I was shopping

00:37:31.320 --> 00:37:35.639
for jeans. And this, bless the associate's heart,

00:37:35.699 --> 00:37:37.860
she doesn't know my backstory, but she made me

00:37:37.860 --> 00:37:40.320
feel like an idiot too. But I went to the front

00:37:40.320 --> 00:37:42.980
of the store then to look for jeans. And I can't

00:37:42.980 --> 00:37:45.199
remember if I talked about this, but like plus

00:37:45.199 --> 00:37:46.880
sizes come, for anyone who doesn't know, plus

00:37:46.880 --> 00:37:50.960
sizes come in like 14, 16, 18, 20, 22. They come

00:37:50.960 --> 00:37:55.219
in like numbers. Real jeans, as I'll call them,

00:37:55.280 --> 00:37:57.360
because usually plus size jeans are stretchy

00:37:57.360 --> 00:38:00.659
and they're not real jeans. They're full of,

00:38:00.760 --> 00:38:02.719
because apparently they think that fat people

00:38:02.719 --> 00:38:06.219
only want stretchy jeans and jeggings. So I went

00:38:06.219 --> 00:38:08.860
to the front of the store to buy jeans. And I,

00:38:08.920 --> 00:38:13.760
right? I had not. purchased a pair of jeans that

00:38:13.760 --> 00:38:19.500
were in inches since I was a child. And so when

00:38:19.500 --> 00:38:21.820
I went to this friend, I was looking for like

00:38:21.820 --> 00:38:24.920
the 14s, the whatever sizes, and it was all like

00:38:24.920 --> 00:38:29.260
32 by 30 and 34 by 30. And I just stood there

00:38:29.260 --> 00:38:32.699
and I was like, I don't know. I don't know what

00:38:32.699 --> 00:38:35.400
this is. Like, I don't know how to do this. And

00:38:35.400 --> 00:38:36.840
the lady came over and she's like, can I help

00:38:36.840 --> 00:38:38.519
you? And I was like, yeah, I'm just trying to

00:38:38.519 --> 00:38:40.019
find some jeans, you know, I'm just shopping.

00:38:40.860 --> 00:38:42.199
And she kind of looked at me, she's like, well,

00:38:42.219 --> 00:38:44.420
they're, they're right here. Like, are you looking

00:38:44.420 --> 00:38:47.119
for a particular one? And I was like, I, I don't

00:38:47.119 --> 00:38:49.380
know. And she's like, well, what size are you?

00:38:49.460 --> 00:38:53.000
And I was like, I don't know. And so she kind

00:38:53.000 --> 00:38:54.280
of looked at me and I was like, and I said to

00:38:54.280 --> 00:38:56.659
her, I'm like, I, I've only ever shopped like

00:38:56.659 --> 00:38:58.420
in the plus size. And she looked at me, she goes,

00:38:58.500 --> 00:39:01.079
well, just grab your size. And I was like, I

00:39:01.079 --> 00:39:03.360
don't understand. Like, I don't know. I know.

00:39:03.420 --> 00:39:05.559
I hate, I hate. I don't know what a 34 is. I

00:39:05.559 --> 00:39:08.920
don't know what a 36, like, and I felt so. dumb

00:39:08.920 --> 00:39:11.000
but then i was like steph you haven't bought

00:39:11.000 --> 00:39:13.619
a pair of jeans that's listed in inches since

00:39:13.619 --> 00:39:16.739
you were probably 10 years old like i mean i

00:39:16.739 --> 00:39:20.159
did the same thing at levi's i was like i and

00:39:20.159 --> 00:39:23.079
i looked at my mom and i was like what do i do

00:39:24.480 --> 00:39:26.059
And she's like, I don't fucking know. And I was

00:39:26.059 --> 00:39:29.320
like, you're no help. What am I doing here? And

00:39:29.320 --> 00:39:31.760
I was like, I shouldn't have to stand here and

00:39:31.760 --> 00:39:34.760
be like, so here's my story. I used to be really

00:39:34.760 --> 00:39:38.900
fat. And now I'm not. I shouldn't have to. But

00:39:38.900 --> 00:39:42.119
I felt so dumb. And then part of me was like,

00:39:42.179 --> 00:39:43.900
well, maybe I should just go back to the plus

00:39:43.900 --> 00:39:47.500
size because that's what I know. It's just like.

00:39:47.820 --> 00:39:50.619
I get it because I was just there, which is really

00:39:50.619 --> 00:39:53.280
funny. I was just buying Levi's jeans. And like,

00:39:53.300 --> 00:39:54.880
that was the thing I was super excited about.

00:39:54.940 --> 00:39:56.880
Like first time getting Levi's jeans and like,

00:39:56.880 --> 00:40:00.260
this is a big deal for us. So yes, I'm going

00:40:00.260 --> 00:40:02.019
to put it on Instagram and then really consider

00:40:02.019 --> 00:40:03.940
my life choices later about bragging too much

00:40:03.940 --> 00:40:05.639
about weight loss because I feel like it's going

00:40:05.639 --> 00:40:09.599
to jinx me. But I had to Google it. I'm sitting

00:40:09.599 --> 00:40:11.840
there on my phone being like, okay, so like,

00:40:11.920 --> 00:40:17.730
I don't, I don't know. but maybe I'm a this.

00:40:17.789 --> 00:40:20.170
And then I'm kind of, I'm like in this in -between

00:40:20.170 --> 00:40:22.849
stage. Is there an in -between? Like, yeah. Yeah.

00:40:22.889 --> 00:40:25.530
I remember just being like, and they look at

00:40:25.530 --> 00:40:27.349
you like you're an idiot for not knowing. And

00:40:27.349 --> 00:40:29.150
if they gave me, I wish I could have taken a

00:40:29.150 --> 00:40:31.389
photo. So I literally just grabbed three and

00:40:31.389 --> 00:40:33.650
went to the back and was like, I guess we'll

00:40:33.650 --> 00:40:35.380
find out. A hundred percent. I did the same thing.

00:40:35.420 --> 00:40:36.579
I was like, I don't fucking know what I'm doing

00:40:36.579 --> 00:40:39.039
here. And then I didn't realize real Levi's have

00:40:39.039 --> 00:40:41.059
no zipper. They have the button closure. And

00:40:41.059 --> 00:40:42.460
I was like, see, I didn't know that either. I

00:40:42.460 --> 00:40:44.519
immediately went to put it on. And before I pulled

00:40:44.519 --> 00:40:46.179
it on, I was like, I'm going to hate this. This

00:40:46.179 --> 00:40:47.440
is going to be the worst. It's going to buckle

00:40:47.440 --> 00:40:49.300
and pull. And then I was like, Oh, that's kind

00:40:49.300 --> 00:40:53.880
of cute. I like this, but I just, it's when you're

00:40:53.880 --> 00:40:58.150
obese, everything is about your size. you know

00:40:58.150 --> 00:41:00.730
that number you know that number ingrained and

00:41:00.730 --> 00:41:02.690
now it's almost like I don't even have to think

00:41:02.690 --> 00:41:04.489
about it so I just don't know and maybe it's

00:41:04.489 --> 00:41:07.050
ignorance but it's just like I just kind of go

00:41:07.050 --> 00:41:08.869
in and go I don't know something like this like

00:41:08.869 --> 00:41:11.969
yes like dress shopping was really like whoa

00:41:11.969 --> 00:41:16.610
okay I keep pulling the wrong things and like

00:41:16.610 --> 00:41:18.730
I did end up with like a super cute dress I can't

00:41:18.730 --> 00:41:21.869
wait to show everybody in in two weeks ish when

00:41:21.869 --> 00:41:24.349
I go to the wedding but um and I picked something

00:41:24.760 --> 00:41:28.000
okay non -scale victory time yeah I picked something

00:41:28.000 --> 00:41:31.699
with no sleeves nice I don't see that's what

00:41:31.699 --> 00:41:33.679
I'm like I don't know if I'll ever hit that day

00:41:33.679 --> 00:41:35.519
but I said I never would I went into that store

00:41:35.519 --> 00:41:37.780
and only looked at sleeved dresses which by the

00:41:37.780 --> 00:41:40.900
way looked matronly as balls and I was like I

00:41:40.900 --> 00:41:43.079
don't think this is the right look for is making

00:41:43.079 --> 00:41:46.539
me look like I'm 50 and they recommended like

00:41:46.539 --> 00:41:50.019
you should get a high neck yeah um without shoulders

00:41:50.019 --> 00:41:51.880
and I was like oh my god no I don't want to draw

00:41:51.880 --> 00:41:54.000
attention to my neck are you kidding and they're

00:41:54.000 --> 00:41:57.420
like yeah you you do you should and I was like

00:41:57.420 --> 00:42:02.179
okay so I got this high like high neck sleeveless

00:42:02.179 --> 00:42:04.800
like it looks like a 50s dress like it's tiered

00:42:04.800 --> 00:42:08.780
and it's pretty and I was like oh I can do this

00:42:08.780 --> 00:42:12.800
okay okay I guess and like then I started trying

00:42:12.800 --> 00:42:14.820
on sleeveless dresses non -stop and I was like

00:42:14.820 --> 00:42:17.079
oh this is a this is a good look for me like

00:42:17.079 --> 00:42:22.000
right oh that oh, okay. And like, I kept asking,

00:42:22.019 --> 00:42:23.860
like, my arms are too big. So like, they're too

00:42:23.860 --> 00:42:26.280
big. Like, and then my friend was like, your

00:42:26.280 --> 00:42:28.480
arms are literally a normal person's size. And

00:42:28.480 --> 00:42:31.840
I was like, oh, all right. So I'm going to try

00:42:31.840 --> 00:42:35.639
this dial on. So yeah, that was a great non -scale

00:42:35.639 --> 00:42:37.400
victory to be like, this will be my first time

00:42:37.400 --> 00:42:41.980
wearing anything sleeveless out in public at

00:42:41.980 --> 00:42:45.360
all. Amazing. I don't think I will ever hit that

00:42:45.360 --> 00:42:48.300
point. I don't think just the way, just the way

00:42:48.300 --> 00:42:51.500
my arms are and the way that like the loose skin

00:42:51.500 --> 00:42:55.760
is. I have always had like really dangly bat

00:42:55.760 --> 00:42:59.940
wing gross arms. And now that the loose skin

00:42:59.940 --> 00:43:01.500
is coming, I don't know. I don't think I'll ever

00:43:01.500 --> 00:43:04.460
get there. Who knows? We'll see. I did try on

00:43:04.460 --> 00:43:07.420
a pair of shorts in a fitting room. I didn't

00:43:07.420 --> 00:43:10.940
buy them, but. Even the fact that I took a pair

00:43:10.940 --> 00:43:13.039
off the rack into the fitting room and put them

00:43:13.039 --> 00:43:17.599
on has never happened before. So maybe this summer,

00:43:17.739 --> 00:43:20.320
maybe this summer I will be in a pair of shorts.

00:43:20.380 --> 00:43:25.840
We'll see. Never say never. You can't see past

00:43:25.840 --> 00:43:30.190
it. Like I got Devin. Poor Tevin. Bless that

00:43:30.190 --> 00:43:32.389
man. When we were away, I said to him, I need

00:43:32.389 --> 00:43:35.849
you to take a picture of me. That's good. He's

00:43:35.849 --> 00:43:40.090
such a bad picture taker. Oh, no. They don't

00:43:40.090 --> 00:43:43.030
get angles. They don't understand. Right? And

00:43:43.030 --> 00:43:45.389
so I said to him, take a bunch. Take different

00:43:45.389 --> 00:43:47.010
angles because I just need one. Because I wanted

00:43:47.010 --> 00:43:50.110
to post about hitting 100 pounds for my birthday.

00:43:50.369 --> 00:43:53.610
But I needed a good photo. And so he took some

00:43:53.610 --> 00:43:56.050
photos. And every photo he took, when he would

00:43:56.050 --> 00:43:57.710
hand me my phone back, I'd look at it and be

00:43:57.710 --> 00:44:00.849
like, nope. Nope. Nope. And I deleted them. And

00:44:00.849 --> 00:44:03.929
we literally stood there for so long on this

00:44:03.929 --> 00:44:06.750
stupid hike trying to take a picture. And so

00:44:06.750 --> 00:44:08.710
he was like, and so finally he got so mad. He's

00:44:08.710 --> 00:44:12.250
like, Steph, you don't see it. And I was like,

00:44:12.289 --> 00:44:15.190
what? And he's like, you look, he's like, look

00:44:15.190 --> 00:44:17.670
at this photo. He's like, you're having a person

00:44:17.670 --> 00:44:19.909
like shut up and take your photos. Like I'm not

00:44:19.909 --> 00:44:22.909
taking anymore. Finish our hike, get back to

00:44:22.909 --> 00:44:24.989
the hotel, the Airbnb, and then sit down and

00:44:24.989 --> 00:44:27.409
look at the damn photos. But he's true, because

00:44:27.409 --> 00:44:31.309
then when I put it side by side with last year's

00:44:31.309 --> 00:44:34.769
photo, then I was like, okay. I think that makes

00:44:34.769 --> 00:44:37.710
sense when you compare. Yeah, to just look at

00:44:37.710 --> 00:44:43.010
yourself. You don't see the new you. Like, I

00:44:43.010 --> 00:44:49.460
still see the old you. The old body. But. I'll

00:44:49.460 --> 00:44:51.900
also say that this is a big deal for us. So like,

00:44:51.920 --> 00:44:54.619
I think wanting multiple photos makes sense because

00:44:54.619 --> 00:44:57.739
this isn't just a photo for us. You know, this

00:44:57.739 --> 00:45:00.119
isn't just me standing here looking cute, which

00:45:00.119 --> 00:45:02.880
like, by the way, give it time. Like it's not

00:45:02.880 --> 00:45:05.000
until recently that I learned how to actually

00:45:05.000 --> 00:45:07.480
stand in a photo because we're not used to that.

00:45:08.159 --> 00:45:11.380
So you should see what my camera roll looks like

00:45:11.380 --> 00:45:12.980
from last year to this year. They're like 20

00:45:12.980 --> 00:45:15.199
photos versus the two or three I need to take

00:45:15.199 --> 00:45:17.300
now because, oh, my hair was a little weird or

00:45:17.300 --> 00:45:21.179
my eyes wonky, right? But the photos matter more

00:45:21.179 --> 00:45:25.760
to us now because we've never had this before.

00:45:26.039 --> 00:45:28.500
So I would almost say like, I see what he's saying

00:45:28.500 --> 00:45:30.659
and I get it. And yes, when you compare it to

00:45:30.659 --> 00:45:33.420
last year, it's really easy to go, whoa. But

00:45:33.420 --> 00:45:36.039
the thing is like, we're looking at right now

00:45:36.039 --> 00:45:39.000
and trying to make sure that we capture the best

00:45:39.000 --> 00:45:42.840
photo because this is so huge for us. This is

00:45:42.840 --> 00:45:46.320
monumental. It's almost less of a, I look fat

00:45:46.320 --> 00:45:50.309
than I need to look as. like the best I can because

00:45:50.309 --> 00:45:54.090
wow, this is such a huge deal for me. And that

00:45:54.090 --> 00:45:56.349
eventually fades where you're like, Oh, now I

00:45:56.349 --> 00:45:59.630
can snap photos like a champ. Yeah. Like the

00:45:59.630 --> 00:46:01.469
bachelorette party photos that I've shared. Like

00:46:01.469 --> 00:46:02.989
we literally stood there and took photos and

00:46:02.989 --> 00:46:04.869
that's it. Like in the past it would be, can

00:46:04.869 --> 00:46:06.989
I see it? Can I look at it? Can I see it? No,

00:46:07.130 --> 00:46:10.650
we need a new one. And I was like, wow, I could

00:46:10.650 --> 00:46:12.909
post all like, they're all amazing. I'm so happy.

00:46:13.789 --> 00:46:15.949
But I, yeah. So I would say yes. When you compare

00:46:15.949 --> 00:46:20.300
it. Yeah. But in the moment. No, be James Cameron,

00:46:20.420 --> 00:46:23.260
require reshoots, be anal, be, you know, Annie

00:46:23.260 --> 00:46:24.940
Leibovitz over here. All right. Like get the

00:46:24.940 --> 00:46:27.139
lighting out. I want seven angles. Let's go.

00:46:27.260 --> 00:46:29.900
Like this is huge for us because we've never

00:46:29.900 --> 00:46:32.900
had this before. This is the first time we've

00:46:32.900 --> 00:46:37.159
gone on a trip where I am in not all of them,

00:46:37.219 --> 00:46:40.400
but almost all the photos. Like I took photos

00:46:40.400 --> 00:46:42.000
of just the girls and I took a couple of like

00:46:42.000 --> 00:46:45.400
Devin with the girls, but I actually am in photos

00:46:45.400 --> 00:46:50.500
from our trip. which doesn't happen. Like when

00:46:50.500 --> 00:46:51.900
Devin and I would go away, I'd take a lot of

00:46:51.900 --> 00:46:54.340
photos of him, maybe like one selfie and then

00:46:54.340 --> 00:46:56.760
a lot of scenery. But this is the first trip

00:46:56.760 --> 00:47:00.019
where I could actually print and frame photos

00:47:00.019 --> 00:47:05.619
that include myself, which is not the norm. No.

00:47:05.699 --> 00:47:09.969
And the thing is like, what's funny is. And when

00:47:09.969 --> 00:47:11.570
we would take photos in the past, people would

00:47:11.570 --> 00:47:13.570
go, oh, come on, you look fine. Like you look

00:47:13.570 --> 00:47:15.590
great. You look really good in it. And, you know,

00:47:15.610 --> 00:47:18.369
almost be annoyed. We want to take several. And

00:47:18.369 --> 00:47:21.989
when you're skinny and you're thin, it's not,

00:47:22.110 --> 00:47:24.469
the eyes are not rolled anymore. It's like, yeah,

00:47:24.489 --> 00:47:25.630
of course we'll take another one. Let's take

00:47:25.630 --> 00:47:28.440
a bunch. Let's get a, let's take a bunch. It's

00:47:28.440 --> 00:47:30.519
so different now when photos are being taken

00:47:30.519 --> 00:47:32.500
that no one is rolling their eyes or exhausted

00:47:32.500 --> 00:47:34.219
that we want multiple photos or we want to look

00:47:34.219 --> 00:47:36.280
at them. And it's never, oh, but you look great.

00:47:36.300 --> 00:47:37.639
You look fine. It's like, oh, what would you

00:47:37.639 --> 00:47:39.300
like it to be like? Yeah, sure. Oh, you want

00:47:39.300 --> 00:47:42.880
it? Okay. Even taking photos is completely different.

00:47:43.000 --> 00:47:45.320
It was almost like I was exhausting people by

00:47:45.320 --> 00:47:47.900
wanting to retake them because it's as if they

00:47:47.900 --> 00:47:49.420
were saying, you're not going to look good no

00:47:49.420 --> 00:47:51.579
matter what we do with it. Just take the fucking

00:47:51.579 --> 00:47:54.139
photo. Just take what you get because that's

00:47:54.139 --> 00:47:57.800
all there is. Yeah. And now it's like. That's

00:47:57.800 --> 00:48:02.739
just what people do. Yeah. I think, yeah, I think

00:48:02.739 --> 00:48:06.139
it goes back to, and it's not no fault of people's,

00:48:06.159 --> 00:48:09.940
of people, but I think you assume you lose weight.

00:48:10.300 --> 00:48:11.460
Everything's going to be good. You're going to

00:48:11.460 --> 00:48:13.380
be super happy with who you are, with what you

00:48:13.380 --> 00:48:16.179
see. Life's going to be super easy. But again,

00:48:16.320 --> 00:48:17.960
like so many other things we've talked about,

00:48:18.099 --> 00:48:21.199
so much of this is mental. There is physical.

00:48:21.260 --> 00:48:23.710
And there are things like. fitting on the airplane

00:48:23.710 --> 00:48:26.469
seat without encroaching onto somebody, not needing

00:48:26.469 --> 00:48:29.429
a seatbelt. I didn't have to pack my seatbelt

00:48:29.429 --> 00:48:31.269
extender with me this time. I didn't have to

00:48:31.269 --> 00:48:33.730
think about it. There are great physical things.

00:48:33.750 --> 00:48:36.670
The fact that I could do the two -hour hike with

00:48:36.670 --> 00:48:38.570
the family. And yeah, there was a point at the

00:48:38.570 --> 00:48:40.369
top when the elevation hits you and I was like,

00:48:40.449 --> 00:48:43.110
okay, mom needs a break for a second. But the

00:48:43.110 --> 00:48:46.690
fact that I could do the two -hour hike with

00:48:46.690 --> 00:48:49.309
the kids and still do another activity in the

00:48:49.309 --> 00:48:52.429
afternoon. we were actively doing like, yes,

00:48:52.530 --> 00:48:54.690
physical changes are great. And there are a lot

00:48:54.690 --> 00:48:58.210
of physical changes, but so much of this is mental

00:48:58.210 --> 00:49:00.530
and trying to figure out how to navigate the

00:49:00.530 --> 00:49:04.510
world in a smaller body and be okay with it and

00:49:04.510 --> 00:49:07.150
be comfortable with it and excited about it and

00:49:07.150 --> 00:49:11.309
figuring out who that new person is. Like when

00:49:11.309 --> 00:49:14.920
I emptied out my closet, it was sad. Like I thought

00:49:14.920 --> 00:49:17.199
I was going to be really excited to get rid of

00:49:17.199 --> 00:49:20.420
garbage bags of clothes. And I was, but the more

00:49:20.420 --> 00:49:23.800
I pulled out, the sadder I got. And I was like,

00:49:23.860 --> 00:49:26.380
this is like, this is my life. These are my memories.

00:49:26.820 --> 00:49:29.960
This is who I was. This was my comfort, my big

00:49:29.960 --> 00:49:34.619
bulky black clothes. And it's interesting because

00:49:34.619 --> 00:49:38.820
now the last three shirts I've boughten have

00:49:38.820 --> 00:49:42.960
all been color. And I haven't even, but it didn't

00:49:42.960 --> 00:49:45.500
even cross my mind. Like normally I would see

00:49:45.500 --> 00:49:48.400
color and right away just, nope, nope, it's not

00:49:48.400 --> 00:49:51.119
black. I just immediately went for the color.

00:49:51.519 --> 00:49:55.019
So try figuring out who you are as this new person.

00:49:55.639 --> 00:49:58.320
It's fun, but it's also kind of scary because

00:49:58.320 --> 00:50:02.019
you don't, you don't know. Yep. It's going to

00:50:02.019 --> 00:50:05.300
be normal to have high highs and low lows. It's

00:50:05.300 --> 00:50:09.159
going to be normal to love the attention, notice

00:50:09.159 --> 00:50:12.119
the change, love that. And it is okay for there

00:50:12.119 --> 00:50:14.480
to be a moment where you're like, something about

00:50:14.480 --> 00:50:18.420
this is just just sucks yep yep there is going

00:50:18.420 --> 00:50:20.099
to be that but don't get stuck in the mourning

00:50:20.099 --> 00:50:23.300
period don't get stuck in how unfair it might

00:50:23.300 --> 00:50:26.860
be like absolutely advocate and try to change

00:50:26.860 --> 00:50:29.179
that where you can but like you still need to

00:50:29.179 --> 00:50:31.019
celebrate the great things that you were able

00:50:31.019 --> 00:50:33.699
to achieve and so I don't know how to word it

00:50:33.699 --> 00:50:38.059
eloquently but like just don't get stuck in how

00:50:38.059 --> 00:50:40.360
shitty some of it must have been for your former

00:50:40.360 --> 00:50:43.159
self. Right. So, um, don't get too hung up on

00:50:43.159 --> 00:50:45.599
the past, try to move past it, but yeah, just

00:50:45.599 --> 00:50:47.820
they, and I'll tell you this in surgery. If you

00:50:47.820 --> 00:50:50.860
have a good, good program, be prepared because

00:50:50.860 --> 00:50:52.579
things change. People treat you differently.

00:50:52.699 --> 00:50:54.980
Friends treat you differently. Comments are different.

00:50:55.239 --> 00:50:57.960
Um, and this is crazy to say people are almost

00:50:57.960 --> 00:51:00.559
rooting for your failure. Probably not everybody,

00:51:00.619 --> 00:51:02.519
but like people want you to gain the weight back

00:51:02.519 --> 00:51:04.760
and fail when you were fat. It was, again, there

00:51:04.760 --> 00:51:06.739
was like an invisible layer to it where if you

00:51:06.739 --> 00:51:09.260
were, You know, they really weren't saying things

00:51:09.260 --> 00:51:11.539
to your face and weren't commenting on things

00:51:11.539 --> 00:51:13.900
or other stuff. But now that you're skinny, everybody

00:51:13.900 --> 00:51:17.179
has a very large opinion on things. And they're,

00:51:17.280 --> 00:51:19.039
you know, keeping an eye and they're critiquing

00:51:19.039 --> 00:51:21.380
and they're criticizing. And there's just, yeah,

00:51:21.440 --> 00:51:24.599
there's more weirdness. And I think the other

00:51:24.599 --> 00:51:28.500
thing is. you get stuck in this weird, I want

00:51:28.500 --> 00:51:30.039
to tell everyone my story because then they'll

00:51:30.039 --> 00:51:31.800
be more impressed with me when they look at me

00:51:31.800 --> 00:51:33.940
loop, but you kind of have to get over as well.

00:51:34.039 --> 00:51:36.260
You can't possibly tell every single person you

00:51:36.260 --> 00:51:37.840
meet that you've lost X amount of weight and

00:51:37.840 --> 00:51:40.360
they should be really happy with how great you

00:51:40.360 --> 00:51:42.400
are now. So you kind of have to get over that

00:51:42.400 --> 00:51:44.079
hang up too, that there is going to be a time

00:51:44.079 --> 00:51:46.139
that somebody still calls you fat, even though

00:51:46.139 --> 00:51:48.280
you've lost X amount of weight, or it doesn't

00:51:48.280 --> 00:51:50.219
think you're, you know, as thin or attractive

00:51:50.219 --> 00:51:52.639
as maybe you think you are. So there are weird

00:51:52.639 --> 00:51:56.909
nuances and new new things because for most of

00:51:56.909 --> 00:51:58.510
us we've never this is the first time in our

00:51:58.510 --> 00:52:00.769
entire lives we've ever navigated being skinny

00:52:00.769 --> 00:52:04.010
being traditionally what society deems as skinny

00:52:04.010 --> 00:52:06.789
so it is a new journey there's a lot of great

00:52:06.789 --> 00:52:09.670
things that happen but then yeah there's creepiness

00:52:09.670 --> 00:52:13.250
there's awkwardness there's a lot of self -guilt

00:52:14.000 --> 00:52:16.800
There's mourning, but there's also still joy

00:52:16.800 --> 00:52:20.039
and firsts and excitement. And I think it is

00:52:20.039 --> 00:52:22.239
okay to acknowledge that it's unfortunate not

00:52:22.239 --> 00:52:24.639
everyone gets this, but that you can still find

00:52:24.639 --> 00:52:28.559
joy in how you're being treated now. Yeah. It's

00:52:28.559 --> 00:52:34.260
a big learning experience, right? And it's just,

00:52:34.360 --> 00:52:36.219
like I said, it's a lot of firsts for us that

00:52:36.219 --> 00:52:39.099
I think you don't... We don't think about, other

00:52:39.099 --> 00:52:41.440
people don't think about. So it might seem silly

00:52:41.440 --> 00:52:43.079
some of the things that we celebrate sometimes,

00:52:43.280 --> 00:52:47.099
but it's stuff that we've never experienced before.

00:52:47.199 --> 00:52:50.500
We've never got to feel what it's like. We've

00:52:50.500 --> 00:52:54.260
never got to have that moment. No. So, yeah,

00:52:54.360 --> 00:52:56.199
I think there are, like I said, there's a lot

00:52:56.199 --> 00:52:59.139
of joy. There's a lot of positives. But there's

00:52:59.139 --> 00:53:01.199
going to be some up and downs, and that's okay.

00:53:01.300 --> 00:53:03.760
And I think as long as we take the time to acknowledge

00:53:03.760 --> 00:53:07.800
the downs, learn from them. move on from them

00:53:07.800 --> 00:53:10.619
and continue to grow from them, then that's just

00:53:10.619 --> 00:53:12.820
part of the healing journey and it's going to

00:53:12.820 --> 00:53:16.400
happen. But yeah, it's going to be, it's going

00:53:16.400 --> 00:53:19.719
to be interesting over the next. Enjoy the journey

00:53:19.719 --> 00:53:25.519
of a thinner body and just enjoy and seek help

00:53:25.519 --> 00:53:28.260
where you need to seek help and talk to people

00:53:28.260 --> 00:53:30.619
about things that you need to talk about. You

00:53:30.619 --> 00:53:32.360
can always come chat with us about it because

00:53:32.360 --> 00:53:34.840
listen, we get it. We get how creepy it is now

00:53:34.840 --> 00:53:37.849
that. I find men watching me while I'm out and

00:53:37.849 --> 00:53:40.170
it's like, I kind of wish I was 300 pounds so

00:53:40.170 --> 00:53:41.530
that you couldn't pick me up and take me with

00:53:41.530 --> 00:53:43.710
you. Like it was like, it was like having armor

00:53:43.710 --> 00:53:49.190
on. Yeah, it was kind of like, it was, nobody's

00:53:49.190 --> 00:53:51.150
really going to fuck with me, you know? Cause

00:53:51.150 --> 00:53:55.050
you know, but now it's like, Oh man, please don't

00:53:55.050 --> 00:53:58.090
come talk to me. Like don't, don't do this. So

00:53:58.090 --> 00:54:00.289
I'm glad I have both. And it hasn't been that

00:54:00.289 --> 00:54:02.349
bad. It's not like, you know, I've had any scary

00:54:02.349 --> 00:54:04.610
encounters or anything. It's just obviously being.

00:54:04.969 --> 00:54:08.349
more obvious and you have to live your life kind

00:54:08.349 --> 00:54:10.429
of in a different way than you did before and

00:54:10.429 --> 00:54:12.130
that's something we'll talk about in the coming

00:54:12.130 --> 00:54:14.710
episodes as well we covered what it's like to

00:54:14.710 --> 00:54:18.710
look skinny but we'll definitely cover what is

00:54:18.710 --> 00:54:22.030
life like now that you are skinnier in terms

00:54:22.030 --> 00:54:24.849
of preparing to go out to eat preparing to go

00:54:24.849 --> 00:54:28.369
on a vacation um just like not being able to

00:54:28.369 --> 00:54:30.670
take a bunch of days off of exercising like i

00:54:30.670 --> 00:54:33.090
think there's just like There is a new norm as

00:54:33.090 --> 00:54:35.670
a bariatric patient that unfortunately, you know,

00:54:35.670 --> 00:54:39.150
we believe you have to follow. Are there people

00:54:39.150 --> 00:54:42.769
on TikTok who disagree? Yeah. Did we call one

00:54:42.769 --> 00:54:44.429
of them out and then she happened to see the

00:54:44.429 --> 00:54:47.309
video and then make a comment? Yeah, that happened.

00:54:47.550 --> 00:54:51.400
Yeah. Guys, we got our first hater. We do, who,

00:54:51.500 --> 00:54:53.699
yeah, realized that we were critiquing the fact

00:54:53.699 --> 00:54:56.739
that they skipped all their steps and moved straight

00:54:56.739 --> 00:54:59.260
into the conversation. Well, if they do, they

00:54:59.260 --> 00:55:02.340
do. I'd like to have them on. And you know what?

00:55:02.420 --> 00:55:05.340
To be fair, like we have said, we have not called

00:55:05.340 --> 00:55:08.480
people out by name. We don't bash people by name.

00:55:08.539 --> 00:55:12.440
We will not do that. People assume or think we're

00:55:12.440 --> 00:55:16.010
talking about them. That's fine. We don't know.

00:55:16.369 --> 00:55:17.630
These are our opinions, right? And there's going

00:55:17.630 --> 00:55:19.650
to be people who disagree with us and that's

00:55:19.650 --> 00:55:21.989
okay. And you might disagree with us some episodes

00:55:21.989 --> 00:55:23.929
and you may agree with us on others and that's

00:55:23.929 --> 00:55:27.030
fine. Totally fine. And we're just saying you

00:55:27.030 --> 00:55:30.170
wouldn't do that. Yeah. We have our own journeys

00:55:30.170 --> 00:55:31.610
and our own thoughts. And if that's not what

00:55:31.610 --> 00:55:33.329
aligns with somebody else, then that's fine.

00:55:33.429 --> 00:55:36.010
And they can do their journey and they can think

00:55:36.010 --> 00:55:39.070
what they want. But yeah, we got our first official,

00:55:39.170 --> 00:55:41.590
official, does that mean like we've made it?

00:55:42.079 --> 00:55:44.800
We might have made it because I almost left TikTok

00:55:44.800 --> 00:55:46.659
over it. And then Steph was like, don't leave

00:55:46.659 --> 00:55:49.280
TikTok. It's fine. And I was like, okay. You're

00:55:49.280 --> 00:55:51.800
allowed to have your own opinions and your own

00:55:51.800 --> 00:55:54.739
thoughts. Here's the thing. We're posting all

00:55:54.739 --> 00:55:57.980
of this publicly. If you are going to be on social

00:55:57.980 --> 00:56:00.119
media talking to people and it's not a private

00:56:00.119 --> 00:56:02.039
account for just your friends and family, then

00:56:02.039 --> 00:56:04.860
you absolutely are open to opinions. Now, no

00:56:04.860 --> 00:56:09.360
one should be. or harassed or abused. And we

00:56:09.360 --> 00:56:11.519
will never support that from any of our followers

00:56:11.519 --> 00:56:14.679
or ourselves. However, we can disagree with you.

00:56:14.679 --> 00:56:16.380
Yeah, people are absolutely allowed to have opinions

00:56:16.380 --> 00:56:18.739
about it and disagree strongly about things that

00:56:18.739 --> 00:56:20.920
you're posting publicly because you have to understand

00:56:20.920 --> 00:56:23.980
you are also influencing people. And if we really

00:56:23.980 --> 00:56:26.480
don't believe it, then yeah. And we didn't stitch

00:56:26.480 --> 00:56:29.179
it to her or anything. I just put a little video

00:56:29.179 --> 00:56:32.619
saying, I know nobody's name, because to be honest,

00:56:32.719 --> 00:56:36.099
this person has a, It's not about you, honey.

00:56:36.199 --> 00:56:39.059
You're one of like 15 people that I have seen

00:56:39.059 --> 00:56:43.320
do this. My video was about collectively. I'm

00:56:43.320 --> 00:56:46.559
very tired of seeing influencers going on and

00:56:46.559 --> 00:56:49.139
ranting about not following the rules, skipping

00:56:49.139 --> 00:56:52.699
steps. And we're not talking like, oh, I. I started

00:56:52.699 --> 00:56:55.699
eating a day before it was I'm skipping months

00:56:55.699 --> 00:56:58.079
of what I'm supposed to be doing, or I'm eating

00:56:58.079 --> 00:57:00.239
all these fried mozzarella sticks. I'm just not

00:57:00.239 --> 00:57:01.960
going to tell my doctor I had the mozzarella

00:57:01.960 --> 00:57:05.780
sticks. It's fine. It's not fine. Or, you know,

00:57:05.780 --> 00:57:07.920
I'm eating Doritos every day for lunch, but like,

00:57:07.920 --> 00:57:09.699
who cares? Cause I'm still losing weight. Like

00:57:09.699 --> 00:57:12.360
do what you want to do, but we're going to put

00:57:12.360 --> 00:57:14.400
out videos saying, here's why we think that's

00:57:14.400 --> 00:57:16.760
probably not going to work out well for others

00:57:16.760 --> 00:57:19.880
is that eventually the weight loss stops. And

00:57:19.880 --> 00:57:22.869
then eventually it comes back on. So that's why

00:57:22.869 --> 00:57:25.110
we want to do an episode about not just how you

00:57:25.110 --> 00:57:27.869
look skinnier, but like, how do you actually

00:57:27.869 --> 00:57:31.289
maintain and what does life look like now? Because

00:57:31.289 --> 00:57:34.929
life for Steph and I is lots of exercise that

00:57:34.929 --> 00:57:37.250
there are days we don't want to do it. It is

00:57:37.250 --> 00:57:40.190
meal prepping. It's counting calories. It's making

00:57:40.190 --> 00:57:42.449
those tough decisions that like, I can't have

00:57:42.449 --> 00:57:45.650
that. No, I'm not ordering that. Every day. Every

00:57:45.650 --> 00:57:48.849
day. Yes, it comes off, but you can tell when

00:57:48.849 --> 00:57:50.550
you follow the rules and do what you're supposed

00:57:50.550 --> 00:57:53.469
to, it sure as heck comes off a lot faster and

00:57:53.469 --> 00:57:57.230
you feel better. But that's just it, right? We're

00:57:57.230 --> 00:57:59.150
putting ourselves out there. We're being vulnerable.

00:57:59.250 --> 00:58:01.050
And we know that with that, there's going to

00:58:01.050 --> 00:58:02.469
be criticism. There's going to be people with

00:58:02.469 --> 00:58:04.389
people that don't agree. And you're allowed to

00:58:04.389 --> 00:58:06.929
disagree with us. And you can tell us that. Like,

00:58:06.949 --> 00:58:09.869
if you want to chat about something by all means,

00:58:09.969 --> 00:58:12.369
you're allowed to message us and say, hey, guys.

00:58:12.880 --> 00:58:15.800
Not really on the same page as this or this.

00:58:15.840 --> 00:58:17.920
And tell us why and tell us what you think. That's

00:58:17.920 --> 00:58:20.320
what we're here for. Because everybody's journey

00:58:20.320 --> 00:58:23.519
is different. But at the end of the day, we're

00:58:23.519 --> 00:58:26.480
here to talk about our journeys, what we're feeling,

00:58:26.639 --> 00:58:30.340
what we're seeing, what we think. And hopefully

00:58:30.340 --> 00:58:33.230
you enjoy it. And we'll, we're trying to invite

00:58:33.230 --> 00:58:35.710
guests on and back stuff up with like talking

00:58:35.710 --> 00:58:38.250
to dieticians and our doctors. Like often we

00:58:38.250 --> 00:58:40.730
will talk with our clinic or our doctors before

00:58:40.730 --> 00:58:43.510
we do an episode and we'll check things. And

00:58:43.510 --> 00:58:45.510
we're trying to make sure that yes, we'll bring

00:58:45.510 --> 00:58:47.670
our own opinions, but we're trying to also base

00:58:47.670 --> 00:58:50.730
it in a bit of reality and fact as well. So that

00:58:50.730 --> 00:58:52.570
it doesn't just sound like us perping on people.

00:58:52.630 --> 00:58:55.690
Just to be a resource. Yeah. Our only ask of

00:58:55.690 --> 00:58:58.250
you guys and you've been phenomenal. So keep

00:58:58.250 --> 00:59:00.710
it up. We don't harass and bully people, but

00:59:00.710 --> 00:59:02.829
we can absolutely disagree. We can absolutely

00:59:02.829 --> 00:59:04.809
say, Steph and Hannah, I don't think you should

00:59:04.809 --> 00:59:07.550
be using a straw and here's why. Or I don't agree

00:59:07.550 --> 00:59:10.949
with your calorie counting ideology and here's

00:59:10.949 --> 00:59:13.929
why. And that's totally fine. We're not going

00:59:13.929 --> 00:59:15.429
to be like, get out of the group. You can't listen

00:59:15.429 --> 00:59:18.449
to us anymore. We're going to listen. We've had

00:59:18.449 --> 00:59:20.929
lots of people reach out and say. I know how

00:59:20.929 --> 00:59:22.829
you guys feel about paying for surgery, but I

00:59:22.829 --> 00:59:24.769
paid for it and it's been awesome. And we've

00:59:24.769 --> 00:59:27.369
been so supportive of them. Like, good. That's

00:59:27.369 --> 00:59:29.369
a good thing. Like, good for you. Like, you are

00:59:29.369 --> 00:59:33.010
succeeding at this. Like, again, I think if you're

00:59:33.010 --> 00:59:35.369
going to be out and publicly talking about this,

00:59:35.389 --> 00:59:37.750
in the nicest way, you might need a bit of a

00:59:37.750 --> 00:59:41.440
thicker skin because I think people should. There

00:59:41.440 --> 00:59:43.559
should be healthy discourse because what I'm

00:59:43.559 --> 00:59:46.539
noticing is a lot of these TikTokers are just

00:59:46.539 --> 00:59:48.159
getting comments being like, this is amazing.

00:59:48.260 --> 00:59:50.820
You're so great. So in love with this. And it's

00:59:50.820 --> 00:59:55.179
like, okay, should we like, I don't want to be

00:59:55.179 --> 00:59:56.619
mean to people. Like, I don't want to, I don't

00:59:56.619 --> 00:59:57.940
want to see anybody come in and be like, don't

00:59:57.940 --> 01:00:00.679
even have debates about things. But could you

01:00:00.679 --> 01:00:03.039
like, what I, what I hate about TikTokers and

01:00:03.039 --> 01:00:05.940
I hope I never become one like this is they can't

01:00:05.940 --> 01:00:07.960
have discourse. So like somebody couldn't come

01:00:07.960 --> 01:00:10.380
into that TikTok and go. I don't know if you

01:00:10.380 --> 01:00:12.380
should be eating like deep fried mozzarella sticks

01:00:12.380 --> 01:00:15.219
a month out from surgery. You know, here's some

01:00:15.219 --> 01:00:17.000
reasons why that might not be good for you in

01:00:17.000 --> 01:00:21.139
the long run. Yeah. And at least be like open

01:00:21.139 --> 01:00:23.159
to be like, it worked for me and I'm cool with

01:00:23.159 --> 01:00:24.800
it, but like, thanks for the feedback. Right.

01:00:24.860 --> 01:00:27.480
But instead they delete it or they go nuts or

01:00:27.480 --> 01:00:30.460
they post a video going, Oh, people are hating

01:00:30.460 --> 01:00:33.719
on me. And it's like, Oh man, have we gotten

01:00:33.719 --> 01:00:35.480
to that point in society where we can't have

01:00:35.480 --> 01:00:40.099
honest conversations? like you know i would hope

01:00:40.099 --> 01:00:41.840
i would hope that people felt like they could

01:00:41.840 --> 01:00:43.519
have conversations with us like we're not gonna

01:00:43.519 --> 01:00:46.460
but again do it respectfully and like there's

01:00:46.460 --> 01:00:48.179
a lot of the topics that hannah and i don't agree

01:00:48.179 --> 01:00:51.960
on and we debate we don't personal trainers um

01:00:51.960 --> 01:00:53.719
i can't think of other things off the top of

01:00:53.719 --> 01:00:55.059
our head but there's like a million artificial

01:00:55.059 --> 01:00:59.820
sweeteners oh don't get it no no there's so much

01:00:59.820 --> 01:01:01.800
that we don't agree like coffee i want her back

01:01:01.800 --> 01:01:03.800
on coffee and she's like no i'm not i'm like

01:01:03.800 --> 01:01:07.079
back on the caffeine But like, there's a lot

01:01:07.079 --> 01:01:10.139
of stuff that I disagree about. But that's okay.

01:01:10.699 --> 01:01:13.079
Yeah. You guys have disagreed with my swearing

01:01:13.079 --> 01:01:16.719
and like, I've tried to tone it down because

01:01:16.719 --> 01:01:19.019
I do see where you're coming from. Like, I don't

01:01:19.019 --> 01:01:21.199
want you to feel like we're being crass or crude,

01:01:21.320 --> 01:01:24.039
but also I have pushed back and said, I also

01:01:24.039 --> 01:01:27.360
do swear. Like it is my personality. So I'm not

01:01:27.360 --> 01:01:29.280
going to coddle people, but I can definitely

01:01:29.280 --> 01:01:31.280
respect that it was maybe a bit overkill in the

01:01:31.280 --> 01:01:34.630
early days. I don't think there's a world where

01:01:34.630 --> 01:01:36.530
you can just delete negative, like it's not even

01:01:36.530 --> 01:01:38.809
negative comments, where you just blindly delete

01:01:38.809 --> 01:01:41.949
people that don't agree with you. You're never

01:01:41.949 --> 01:01:44.329
going to grow as a person that way. And then

01:01:44.329 --> 01:01:46.210
also it's good to keep that there because there

01:01:46.210 --> 01:01:47.789
might be somebody who watches your video who

01:01:47.789 --> 01:01:49.969
goes, I thought my clinic said I couldn't do

01:01:49.969 --> 01:01:52.289
that. And then they can see comments where people

01:01:52.289 --> 01:01:55.190
maybe say that exact thing and go, well, my clinic

01:01:55.190 --> 01:01:57.630
said no to this. And like go through and see

01:01:57.630 --> 01:02:00.989
the logic. To say that when people are commenting

01:02:00.989 --> 01:02:02.989
like this or trying to have a healthy discussion

01:02:02.989 --> 01:02:06.289
or challenging something right away is seen as

01:02:06.289 --> 01:02:09.170
being unsupportive of the bariatric community.

01:02:10.059 --> 01:02:12.300
It's not being unsupportive of the bariatric

01:02:12.300 --> 01:02:14.199
community. It's actually supporting each other

01:02:14.199 --> 01:02:16.320
by trying to give you maybe a different perspective

01:02:16.320 --> 01:02:19.260
or to help you because maybe there was confusion

01:02:19.260 --> 01:02:21.559
on what you thought you could do in your clinic

01:02:21.559 --> 01:02:23.519
and you couldn't. Maybe there was confusion around

01:02:23.519 --> 01:02:26.000
the order of the stages. It has nothing to do

01:02:26.000 --> 01:02:28.480
with not being supportive of the bariatric community.

01:02:28.739 --> 01:02:32.320
Not at all. Maybe you don't realize that by skipping

01:02:32.320 --> 01:02:35.199
stages you can... cause like internal issues

01:02:35.199 --> 01:02:37.820
that you don't see you don't know if your incision

01:02:37.820 --> 01:02:39.940
has ripped or swollen or has food stuck in it

01:02:39.940 --> 01:02:46.119
you also you you are brand new to this do wouldn't

01:02:46.119 --> 01:02:48.820
you want people who are two three four five ten

01:02:48.820 --> 01:02:52.000
years out to give you advice because there were

01:02:52.000 --> 01:02:55.039
people who tried to come in and say you know,

01:02:55.059 --> 01:02:56.800
I'm just telling you right now, this isn't going

01:02:56.800 --> 01:02:58.940
to set you up for success. They flew off the

01:02:58.940 --> 01:03:00.940
handle. And this person then said, well, what

01:03:00.940 --> 01:03:03.380
do I know? I've only had 23 years experience

01:03:03.380 --> 01:03:06.820
with this. Like you're filling your circle with

01:03:06.820 --> 01:03:08.880
people who are going to support your bad habits

01:03:08.880 --> 01:03:11.139
because ultimately people like to see people

01:03:11.139 --> 01:03:13.860
fail. And it's, it's, it's, that's what worries

01:03:13.860 --> 01:03:17.199
me and why I always want people. to gut check

01:03:17.199 --> 01:03:19.099
me, to bring me things I don't know, to help

01:03:19.099 --> 01:03:21.860
me grow. Because if I just surround myself with

01:03:21.860 --> 01:03:23.360
people who are like, yes, Hannah, you should

01:03:23.360 --> 01:03:25.320
order that bagel off DoorDash and you should

01:03:25.320 --> 01:03:27.619
eat that fudge. But like, I'll be back to 320

01:03:27.619 --> 01:03:31.360
pounds. It is a slippery slope. I'll look around

01:03:31.360 --> 01:03:33.780
and go, what the hell? So I agree with Steph.

01:03:34.250 --> 01:03:36.369
It's not supporting the bariatric community to

01:03:36.369 --> 01:03:39.949
blindly blow smoke up people's butts. What supporting

01:03:39.949 --> 01:03:42.190
the bariatric community looks like is, yeah,

01:03:42.289 --> 01:03:44.369
leaving encouraging comments, but then asking

01:03:44.369 --> 01:03:48.730
questions or sharing updates or helping. There's

01:03:48.730 --> 01:03:51.349
better ways to do it. I think Bypass Cass is

01:03:51.349 --> 01:03:54.849
a great example to look at here. Her comment

01:03:54.849 --> 01:03:57.989
section is usually full of great conversation.

01:03:58.309 --> 01:04:00.900
I was going to say, it's discussion. Yes. And

01:04:00.900 --> 01:04:03.039
people do question things in those comments,

01:04:03.099 --> 01:04:06.980
but then advice is given, discussions are had,

01:04:07.039 --> 01:04:10.500
and very much of, well, this is why I did it.

01:04:10.760 --> 01:04:13.260
And you'll see people say, oh, cool. Okay, that

01:04:13.260 --> 01:04:16.099
didn't work for me. So I did it this way. Perfect.

01:04:16.239 --> 01:04:19.400
Awesome. But that's what it should be about.

01:04:19.860 --> 01:04:22.699
I agree. There's a reason our clinic told us.

01:04:23.260 --> 01:04:25.599
you're not allowed to use Facebook groups, specifically

01:04:25.599 --> 01:04:27.900
Facebook. Like that's the only platform they

01:04:27.900 --> 01:04:30.559
specifically called out. And they said, because

01:04:30.559 --> 01:04:33.099
they've audited most of them and it's people

01:04:33.099 --> 01:04:35.440
who haven't had surgery, who failed at surgery

01:04:35.440 --> 01:04:39.239
and who are creating, what do they call it? Toxic

01:04:39.239 --> 01:04:43.380
positivity groups where it's reinforcing really

01:04:43.380 --> 01:04:46.659
bad behaviors. And they have seen enough people

01:04:46.659 --> 01:04:48.980
in these groups that have then failed that like

01:04:48.980 --> 01:04:51.300
our clinic is literally telling everyone. The

01:04:51.300 --> 01:04:54.420
first question. When I had my six month follow

01:04:54.420 --> 01:04:57.059
up, the first question, so I had it like on the

01:04:57.059 --> 01:04:58.900
phone with the nurse, the dietician and the social

01:04:58.900 --> 01:05:02.860
worker. The first thing they all asked me, each

01:05:02.860 --> 01:05:05.139
one of them, are you in any Facebook support

01:05:05.139 --> 01:05:07.780
groups? The very first question. And when I said

01:05:07.780 --> 01:05:12.300
no, they all said, fantastic. Please continue

01:05:12.300 --> 01:05:14.920
with that. And I said, no, I will not be on those.

01:05:15.119 --> 01:05:17.599
When I was in them, they didn't comment on Reddit.

01:05:17.760 --> 01:05:20.099
They didn't comment on TikTok or Instagram because

01:05:20.099 --> 01:05:21.780
I said, well, I'm following some Instagram people.

01:05:22.190 --> 01:05:23.829
Cool. Great. Same with me. They all said, okay.

01:05:23.969 --> 01:05:26.949
We don't want you in Facebook. They're not, they're

01:05:26.949 --> 01:05:29.530
not regulated. They're not good. Like they, and

01:05:29.530 --> 01:05:32.650
they told me why people are failing who are in

01:05:32.650 --> 01:05:35.809
those groups. They are spreading toxic positivity,

01:05:35.829 --> 01:05:37.789
which is basically like everything is fine and

01:05:37.789 --> 01:05:39.130
everything is great and you do what you want

01:05:39.130 --> 01:05:40.829
to do and you'll be really successful at this.

01:05:41.090 --> 01:05:43.510
And then you're not successful at it. So they're

01:05:43.510 --> 01:05:47.760
just kind of creating echo chambers of. this

01:05:47.760 --> 01:05:49.760
gives me permission to do things I know I probably

01:05:49.760 --> 01:05:51.960
shouldn't be doing. And we're all guilty of it.

01:05:51.980 --> 01:05:55.239
I do the same thing. I find reassurance in places

01:05:55.239 --> 01:05:57.800
where it's like, you know what? No, I'm not going

01:05:57.800 --> 01:05:59.900
to go seek permission to do things I'm not supposed

01:05:59.900 --> 01:06:03.769
to do. Agreed. We'll cover a lot of this in the

01:06:03.769 --> 01:06:08.070
other episodes. And, you know, hopefully, hopefully

01:06:08.070 --> 01:06:10.510
we don't start a war on TikTok with other people

01:06:10.510 --> 01:06:13.190
that are blowing up on TikTok. I don't think

01:06:13.190 --> 01:06:14.449
it'll be a problem because we're not blowing

01:06:14.449 --> 01:06:18.949
up on TikTok, you and I. So, yay. But yeah, lots

01:06:18.949 --> 01:06:21.849
of great topics coming up. Steph documented her

01:06:21.849 --> 01:06:23.750
vacation on Instagram. Go check it out. I'll

01:06:23.750 --> 01:06:25.949
document mine in two weeks when I'm in Nova Scotia.

01:06:26.590 --> 01:06:30.480
I've heard lobster is super high protein. Having

01:06:30.480 --> 01:06:32.440
some lobsters on the beach in Nova Scotia, who

01:06:32.440 --> 01:06:34.659
knows? Sounds horrible. Oh, Dan, what a hard

01:06:34.659 --> 01:06:38.559
life. But yeah, we'll document more. Keep this

01:06:38.559 --> 01:06:40.599
great, awesome community going. We absolutely

01:06:40.599 --> 01:06:42.960
flippin' love you guys messaging us on social

01:06:42.960 --> 01:06:45.360
media. Doing it. If you want to help us blow

01:06:45.360 --> 01:06:47.940
up on TikTok, go forward there too. But we're

01:06:47.940 --> 01:06:51.019
on TikTok. We're on Instagram. Bariatric Banter

01:06:51.019 --> 01:06:53.239
Podcast. Both of our personal accounts are linked

01:06:53.239 --> 01:06:56.059
from all of those as well. We will chat and answer

01:06:56.059 --> 01:06:57.800
all your questions. You can always reach us and

01:06:57.800 --> 01:07:00.920
message us. And we'll see you guys next week

01:07:00.920 --> 01:07:03.760
for another episode. Like always, Steph, thanks

01:07:03.760 --> 01:07:06.099
for joining me. Thanks, guys. See you later.

01:07:06.179 --> 01:07:06.579
Bye.